Good for Us

How many here have seen fiddler on the roof, our gentile reference point for all things Jewish? It’s story of a Jewish man, his marriage, his five daughters, and love. It’s all about tradition; it’s all about marriage. If at the end of the first scene things would not have gone bad with the wedding we would have seen one very important part of the wedding take place- the Yichud. The final part of the wedding before the celebration. After the betrothal, after the planning and preparation, after the wedding contract was drawn up, after the veiling of the bride, the rings, the blessings, standing under the prayer shawl, they were still not declared man and wife. For then the couple is ushered in to Yichud, the wedding tent, and there, yep, right then and there, the couple consummates the marriage! Can you believe that!

We still do that today in a much more socially acceptable form. What’s the last part of the wedding before we introduce a couple? The KISS! I have several weddings coming up this summer. I always float this idea past the couples- “You know, in order to really be married, to be husband and wife, one flesh, you really need to do more than kiss…” The guys are always into the idea. The women, not so much.

The Yichud reminds us that something much more is going on here. The tradition reminds us that in the eyes of God sex and marriage are virtually one and the same. You can’t have marriage without have sex, if you are having sex you are doing what consecrates a marriage. Something much bigger is going on. Today I want to talk to you about that much bigger thing going on that makes sex so wonderful, so special, so good for us.

Today I want to tell you the big secret about sex that no one is talking about. It’s the real truth about sex that you never see on screen or in a magazine. No one is talking about this reality in your classrooms, in your sexual psychology classes, or even, I suspect, in church. I’ve heard a lot of sex sermons, a lot of sermons more graphic than I’ve been, but nobody seems to be talking about this, at least not in the circles I run in or the books I read. What amazing to me about this is that you’ve probably thought about this on your own. This is something you and I can discern from our own experience.

Here it is- sex isn’t about pleasure. Sex really isn’t about the pleasure that it brings. They might label the condoms for her pleasure, for his pleasure. But sex isn’t about pleasure. No where in the bible does it ever teach us that sex is about our pleasure. Now understand what I’m saying so you follow my thinking and the biblical narrative- I did not say that sex is not pleasurable. Oh contraire my single friends, it is very pleasurable. But you need to first understand that sex is not about the pleasure it gives. And when you get that, you’ll start to gain the most pleasure from sex.

Are you confused yet? What I’m saying is that I want, and God wants, you to have the best sex life possible as a husband and wife. But in order to have that sex life, we are going to have to radically rethink our basic understanding and presuppositions on sex.

Let’s go back to the basics: Genesis 1- God made us in his image, male and female he created us. And he said to us, the very first command, the very first thing he wants us to do- be fruitful and multiply. How cool is our God? He wants us to have sex! A sermon a listened to this week helpful summarized there positions we hold regarding sex- god, gross, or gift.

For many sex become their god. This is the current flow of culture. Sex is about the best thing there is to experience in this world. So sex becomes their functional god. They willing gives their lives to the pursuit of sex. And they do so for good reason. It provides a moment of orgasmic pleasure. It gives the a moment of connection with another individual. It gives them a movement of escape from the drudgery of the world. It gives them at once a moment of power and submission, as sex always involves the dynamic interplay of give and take. They pursue sex like a god. They worship it, they bow down to it, they stake their life on it, they often end up giving their life to it. It is god. We are drawn to this because we know that there can some something divine found in the flesh, for our own Lord Jesus was flesh and blood. But in the end it always ends up being a false god which, out of context, brings pain and brokenness.

Second, the see it as a gross. Some are taught a theology of gross sex. It’s earthy, it’s fleshy, it’s of this world, and we should not be of this world. This is a profound misunderstanding of the bible and God’s mission to redeem and renew the earth. This says that the only things of value are transcendent. We must get beyond this mortal shell, and sex is certain of this mortal shell. This is the dualistic worldview introduced into Christianity through the philosophy of Plato. Spirit good, body bad. That why people talk about having “Purely Platonic relationships.” They are not sexual, and therefore, more pure. As we’ll see, this is couldn’t be further fro the truth- for the most pure relationship one can have with another person is the marriage bed- naked and not ashamed.

Some aren’t taught that sex is gross, they experience it as gross. We need not go into detail as it will suffice to say that anyone who has been sexually abused in it’s many insidious shapes and forms will often come to view and associate sex not with pleasure or anything good, but simply with power, pain, hurt and evil.

But there is a third view that begins to straighten out, or turn around, or turn right our view of sex- it is a gift. A gift of God given to his image bearers. We are not animals who pursue sex like a god. We are not angels, just spirits, who transcend the gross reality of intercourse. No, we are image bearers who embrace the gift in the right way in the right context for the right reasons.

So what is sex really about as a gift from God? Babies and bonding. We have the gift of sex so that we might be one flesh, bound to each other, and through that union we can bring about life. Let me go to a text that makes this even clearer. Malachi 2:15, “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and Spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking Godly offspring.”

It is God who dreamed and designed this whole thing of sex. He brings us together as one, flesh and spirit. Why, because god really likes babies. He’s really that into babies. And he’s really into our bonding. He really wants us to be that closely united with our spouse. And those babies come about through our bond.

Now am I saying every act of sex must be about making a baby? No. The woman’s fertility cycle each month, and over her life span teaches us that sex does not always have to be about making babies. The way God hs designed the woman tells us this. Does this mean I have some conviction and beliefs regarding contraception? You bet, but I’m not getting into that today. Does this mean that every act of sex has to be about bonding as a couple? Absolutely. In fact, it can doing nothing less than bond a couple. And the greater the bond, ultimately, the greater the pleasure a couple will experience with sex.

Until you understand that sex is not about pleasure you will never understand God’s purpose and plan for sexuality, and you will, ironically, never fully enjoy sex. Whenever we focus on the pleasure of a thing, we somehow lose a part of the pleasure. It’s like everyone has been in this situation- you’ve gone to an amusement park in order to have fun. But no one is having fun because your fighting or losing or too hot, or too cold or something. Then someone, usually dad, declares, we are going to do this and we are going to have fun! Which is like the most absurd declaration ever, but we’ve heard it, we’ve done it, or we will do it at some point in our lives. When we focus so much on the desire for fun, for pleasure, for happiness, we miss it. Because pleasure like an aftershock. It has to happen in a more pure fashion, a side effect, a surprise.

When we focus on the pleasure of something, we miss it, and it usually ends us costing us. This is what is called natural theology- looking to nature for the hand of God and how He has crafted things. Natural theology tells us that God seems to have attached pleasure to those things which we need and can glorify Him.

Take for example eating. We need to eat. We are earthy creatures, and we need to eat to live. We need the carbs, the fat, the protein, the vitamins and minerals, etc. We need to eat. Now we could be like the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar in the Matrix and create a kind of gruel that meets all our physical needs, but tastes like gruel. But we don’t. We make amazing wonderful meals to enjoy. We have pancakes with whip cream and strawberries for breakfast with a nice cup of coffee on the side. We have a big fat juicy burger with fries, I mean, french fries poutine and a tall thick milkshake on the side….I can keep going folks. We don’t want gruel that simple keeps us alive, we want a fest that makes us feel alive!

God has attached pleasure to food because we need food to survive, but what happens when we focus exclusively on the pleasure of food, when we ignore calories and fat and stuff like that and only focus on the pleasure- we eat food that aren’t good for us, and too much of it, and we end up hurting ourselves through the very food that supposed to bring us health. We become a glutton, we worship food, we get sick, we die.

At the other end, of the spectrum, we can also so far as to negate the pleasure of food, to deny ourselves food, to withdraw from food and develop an eating disorder of another kind- bulimia, or anorexia. Ironically, sadly, the anorexic desire to master food and body ultimately reveals that food is their master, their god as well.

Food becomes some people’s god, and for others, food becomes gross, something we can control. When we lose sight of the real purpose and place of food in our lives, we end up hurting ourselves. We end up losing all the pleasure that food is supposed to, and able, to bring into our lives.

All this is like sex. When we go after nothing but pure unabashed pleasure of sex no only will we end up missing some of the greatest pleasure there is to be found in sex, we will most often end up hurting ourselves, and in the area of sexuality, we’ll end up hurting others as well.

God has attached pleasure to the act of sex because we need sex and because sex can be glorifying to God. But never make the fatal mistake so many have made which is to take the pleasure and to think that is the purpose and place of sex- it’s about me, it’s about my pleasure, it’s about my orgasm, it’s about my needs.

We think sex is so simple, so much about just our pleasure. Insert tab a into slot a. But some of us know how complex sex really is. In fact, it is perhaps the most complicated of all of our human interactions. It is not just mechanics, but it the mingling of flesh and blood, body and soul. Its physical, emotion, intellectual and spiritual. It is in many regard the highest form of human communication and connection.

This is why sex is usually the first thing to go when a relationship is in trouble. This is why sex is so often a litmus test for the rest of a marriage and relationship. Sexual satisfaction is in fact the top predictor of marital satisfaction. If it’s not good in bed, its usual not good in the rest of the house.

Many of you know this already because you’ve seen it or experienced it in your own life. Some of the most sexually unhappy people in the world are the most sexually active people in the world. When you listen to porn stars interviewed. When you talk with a sex addict. When all we want from sex is pleasure, and so we lift it out of its context of a committed covenant marriage, when we remove from the conversation the reality that this is a gift from God. He has given us this gift so we can make babies, so we can be bound to one another. When we take those purposes out of the equation, and then say I just want the pleasure, the saddest thing is, then we’re most likely to miss it.

Folks, there are way to many people have way too much sex all in the name of pleasure, who have never ever come close to experiencing the full joy and delight and gift of sex. We need sex so we can make babies and experience the bond of marriage. When we get this right we are putting sex in it’s created context and play ground. And when you put sex there, then you are in the right place, and the right context, to reap the greatest pleasure out of sex.

Now I want to jump to the passage from which I’ve taken everything I just taught. All this stuff about the purpose of sex, the misunderstanding of sex, it’s a god, or it’s just gross. The wisdom of natural theology and the direct parallels we find between food and sex, pleasure and purpose, is found in 1 Corinthians 6 and 7.

One of the first places that the church was planted and began to grow was in a city called Corinth. Outside of the bible we know what Corinth was like- it was the cross-roads of civilizations and trade routes. It was a commercial city, and industrial powerhouse. It was a pluralistic city, there were at least 12 different temples to different gods and religions in Corinth. And above all, it was an immoral city. It was Sin City. The centerpiece of the city was the temple of Aphrodite, which employed over 1000 temple prostitutes. To “Corinthianize” was to engage in sexual immorality. This is where people came to worship and have sex. This was the place where our God decided to grow his church.

The church growing in Corinth has man many questions about sex. They were starting with the most basic questions- is it ok for a person to have sex with his mother? No. OK, what if it’s his stepmother? What if she’s really hot? Still, no. OK, two people are having sex, and they are married, is that OK? Yes. Now let’s say they are married to other people- is that OK? No. God says sex is made for a husband and a wife, period, and still everyone is trying to find loopholes!

These folks were dealing with their own sexuality and their sexual desires in a free for all culture that told them if it feels good do it. The only difference between them and us 2000 years later is we amended the culture reference point, if it feels good and doesn’t hurt anyone else, do it. In chapter 6 Paul goes to the creation story and reminds them of the reality of sex and marriage, all of which falls under this amazing bit of advice- everything is permissible for me- not everything is beneficial. He’s saying, you know, you can be all about the pleasure of sex. You can go after it hog wild. But ask yourself if that really the best way to enjoy sex. Ask yourself, and look at your life, and be honest- do you think you are maximizing your pleasure?
If you forget everything else we talk about this morning, remember that truth, live by it, teach it to your children. Always ask yourself; will this ultimately bring the greatest benefit to my life? Will this decision, this relationship, this job, this move, this whatever bring me the most benefit.

Then he goes directly to the food analogy to help us understand this stuff. Food for the stomach, the stomach for food. Understand how God has made you and made things so that you will not be mastered by anything.

Then he gets into a vivid and explicit image of what is really happening when you simply pursue sex for the sake of pleasure. In this case, it is with the temple prostitutes. He says not matter how causal you think the sex is, the two of you are becoming one. Its really this simple.
(Take two pieces of paper…)

Let’s cut to the chase- this is the highest possible view of sex that is possible in heaven and on earth. Sex us so wonderful, so important, so binding in a relationship, so sacred and special and to be honored among all people all the time everywhere, that sex and marriage are understood biblically a nearly one in the same thing.

If you are married, you are having sex. If you are having sex, you are doing what is reserved for the marriage covenant. This is the highest view of sex possible. There seems to be persistent misunderstandings and misconceptions regarding the church and the bible and sex. But let’s be very very clear- nobody holds sex in a higher more important view than God. I can’t say it enough- God invented sex. He has a plan and purpose for sex. He made it feel good, He made us desire it. It is a gift. A gift to be shared and enjoyed in the right way, which is marriage. A gift that brings us the gift of children. A gift that brings us together as one flesh.