Good For Him

Series: Was it good for you?

Recap of last week:
It is not good to be alone- so we must find out the ways to be good together. We must connect with the ones like us- we will talk about this in the context of sexual connection and marriage, but generally speaking, we must be with ones like us. We look for the one like us, the one that will complete us, the one that will help fill and heal that wound in our soul. And it’s there in that search, in finding the one like us, that this relational dynamic happens so often- we find the one like us in our brokenness. We are attracted, drawn, lead almost to ones that are like us- you pain is like my pain, your hurts are like my hurts, you addictions are like my addictions, you abuse, your trespasses, your violations, your hang-ups, are like mine- so maybe we can understand each other, maybe we can connect with each other, maybe even we can fix each other.

But as the song that Evan played for us taught, two broken, half empty cups pouring their lives into each other usually amounts to a lot of split love, love poured out, but never enough to fill us up. So we must go to the waterfall, we must go to God. We must get right with God, we must get in him, then we’ll have water pouring abundant. Then we’ll have something to offer someone else. Then we can be drawn to each other because we are alike in our healing, in our wholeness, in Christ. That when our connection with others is like magic.

Today I want to pick up right where we left off. Let’s just throw this idea out right now- men have to be tough guy loner types to be real men. No, tough guy loner types are men who are emotionally immature and don’t know how to have meaningful relationships so they put on the façade of being so cool they don’t need people, when really, on the inside, they are probably the saddest, loneliest, most broken men you know, and we must feel sorry and sad for them, and we must try to help them. They may have had bad role models as children, they may have had some traumatic experiences, they may have been violated in some way, perhaps they just had their heart broken. They did love, they gave away their heart, they had it handed back to them with a fork, and they were done.

But still- it is not good for the man to be alone, and when men are left alone too long, they get weird, and smelly and forget about personal hygiene and the most basic of grooming. I’m not saying you men need to man-scape, you just need to take of the basics. Even cats lick themselves clean! But men left alone get nasty- just nasty, like dogs rolling around in stink.

Men left alone with other men… get even worse. The things they should treat with modesty they begin to show off like a trophy. I’m telling you one of the most traumatic experiences of my life was freshmen year in a all male dorm. I felt dirty the moment I walked in. And yet, I felt strangely at home. Some of you guys living in apartments with a bunch of other guys- you’re nasty. You know who you are, and we know who you are- we can smell you a mile away. Febreeze is NOT a substitute for washing your clothes; more deodorant is NOT a substitute for bathing; underwear should NOT be an optional part of your wardrobe. If you have more questions, talk to me later.

Well, it’s not good to be alone, so going back to the story in Genesis 2, God parades all the creatures for Adam. None is LIKE him. He needs something that more like him, but not him. He is created in the image of a loving God who exists in a loving communion- Father, Son, Holy Spirit. He needs a relationship like that. God puts him into the deep sleep, he takes a rib, makes the woman. God brings her to the man, and picking up the story, as the man now looks upon the woman for the first time, he says this… Genesis 2:23-25

This is the trajectory for most people. Grow up, leave home, find a spouse, have sex, make babies. BUT not everyone follows this trajectory. Some are too young to be married yet. Some are called to be single. Some have not been taught this trajectory so they haven’t followed this course in their relationships. Some have had this trajectory taken from them, and they too must find their way back. We will be addressing some of those things, but today, we are dealing with this most normative trajectory, and we are looking at it from the man’s point of view.

Now take note of this- this one observation has served to encourage me more than anything else. The man and the woman have not talked. They have not shared one word. Adam looks at her, and with only that he falls in love. He is so taken, so smitten; he begins to spontaneously spout out poetry. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones! The dude has it bad- he has it bad for her simply because he looked at her. He saw her naked form, and without shame he was ready to give his life to her. He wanted her! But not just that, he loved her. He was ready to make a lifelong commitment.

So here’s the answer to the age-old question- Is it possible to fall in love at first sight? Absolutely. In fact, for the man, for the way we men are wired, we can and do fall in love at first sight. In fact, what we will discover, falling in love at first sight is NORMAL for men.

Here’s the truth- every man in the world- your son, your boyfriend, your husband, your father, your grandfather, your neighbor- every guy sitting here fell in love at first sight. We fell in love with the first naked woman we saw in picture or video or in our first sexual encounter.

No, I’m am not crazy- I am being honest, and I am looking at the creation story, and I am just putting the two together. Men are designed, wired, created to fall in love visually. This is before the fall; this is before anything bad has happen, before sin is a part of the picture. Men are created as high visual beings- stimulated, enlivened, aroused, emotionally engaged, through simply seeing the naked female body. We get an endorphin rush just at the sight of a woman. The male design to be visual is how we are created, and therefore, something to be embrace and used for God’s glory and our mutual blessing. But sadly, in a fallen world, it has been distorted into destructive and dehumanizing behaviors.

This requires some unpacking. Let me tell you where were going with this:

• Men are created visual, this is not a design flaw.
  
• This mean that today’s culture presents some struggles which are destroying many young men’s lives- the process of falling in love, marrying, having sex, is being short circuited, and it is messing young men up, messing relationships up.
• Thus, this has implications for how young men should guard their lives.
• It has implications for how women conduct themselves.
• And ultimately how this can be one of the most incredible blessings in the marriage relationship.

You’ve probably all heard this- men are visual. But a recent book brilliantly asks the question, what does that even mean? Shanti Feldhahn wrote a book called For Women Only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men. Pick it up, read it, review it, apply it. She wrote with her husband then, For Men Only: a straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. I give this my highest recommendation too. I will refer to both of these books liberally the next few weeks.

She writes a chapter called the keeper of the visual Rolodex. She should have called it the keeper of the visual TVO. Because the visualization that men experience and live with is stored on the hard drive of our minds, vivid, in color, and replay able at any time. This is almost universally applicable to men. In her research she discovers what men have always known but now we are able to talk about. She writes, “Even happily married men are instinctively pulled to visually “consume” attractive women. And these images can be just as alluring whether they are live or recollected.”

She goes on to discern two things about this that she as a woman didn’t get before: First, men can’t not want to look. A woman who is dressed to show off her body is an eye magnet that is almost impossible to ignore, and even if a man forces himself not to look, he is actively aware of her presence.

So what does this actually mean? Ladies, it’s going to have to get worse before it gets better. Let me put this as bluntly and as personally as possible. I like to exercise. The weather sucks in Ontario half the year. I go to a gym. I literally have to spiritually prepare myself every time I go into that gym. So men may not have this problem (2%), some men I know have actually quit going to gyms its so bad. But I know, and I’m jut going to be really honest here, there’s always going to be at least one woman who wants to be noticed. She may think it’s just cute or flattering, but she probably does know more is going on, so she is wearing revealing clothing which leaves very little to the imagination. I will notice her. I will simply say on behalf of 98% of men, she’s undeniably noticeable.

What do you mean, noticeable? I mean, notice-able. There may have been a gorilla running around the gym, a car might have crashed through the front door. Steven Harper might have walked in and started juggling cats and lit his hair on fire, and I could probably stay completely focused on my workout and never even notice- I have an incredible ability to focus and not let anything distract me- just ask my wife. But if a woman with a cropped shirt and low-rise pants with a thong riding high on her hips walks by, I will notice.

Now while noticing her is unavoidable, what remains is what I will do with that temptation. Since I now know she it there, what will I do with that awareness. After that unconscious intrusion, and really, it is, I have to make a conscious choice not to look, linger or dwell on that image. Which is why I have to be on guard. And why I have to then take responsibility for my actions. More on this later.

Second, even when no such eye magnet is present, each man has a visual Rolodex (or TVO) of stored images that can intrude into his thoughts without warning, or can be called up at will.

Shanti writes, not only will men notice, but that image will be seared into the hard drive of their memories forever. Men can recall with vivid clarity, with frightening clarity, the images of the female form that we have been exposed or have exposed ourselves to. On man simply wrote, “I have an unending supply of images in my head stretching back to my teens.”

And here’s what I add to Shanti’s research- a part of us falls in love. We, men, fall in love a little bit with that video or that magazine or that image, or that exchange, and it messes us up. We give a little bit of our heart, our love away. The relationship doesn’t go anywhere. And the more we are exposed to and expose ourselves to, the more of our love we are giving away, the more we are threatening what God intended to happen in our lives and in our relationships and it is simply this: that we see our wife naked for the first time on our wedding night in the context of marriage and we fall in love. The man is designed visually to look at his bride, to see her, and to be completely captivated, completely head over heels, completely in love. And when it happens that way, in that order, it creates a bond that goes on for there to serve, to guard, to enliven, to bless a marriage for years and even decades to come. The love that can happen on a wedding night that can bond a couple together for a life time.

This has some very important implications.

Young men, you are visual. Here is my verse for you: Job 31:1 I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully on a woman.

You are visual. This is the temptation for you. There’s a break in the cup that hold love inside of you and you will ALWAYS be tempted to fill that cup up with visually erotic images. You will fill your cup with looking, but it won’t fix the cracks or fill the hole in your heart. You will fill your cup with the images that give you a moment of pleasure and that somehow seem to bring love into your heart, but even as you are looking, its like they are already spilling out onto the ground. Your heart will still ache for, and more and more until it becomes and addiction, until you are so desensitized you can’t even find the images to stir you, your hard wiring will be so messed up you will have threatened your ability to look at and love your wife and be satisfied in her and her alone. You are created as a visual being, and you are broken, and you will always be tempted to try and fix that break with the images you so desire.

Don’t fill your mind with images. Don’t start to give away your love to video, pictures, or weekend hookups. You will notice and look at women. You will feel enliven by sexually charged images. You will feel the endorphin rush. You will feel stimulated and awakened. You will notice and you will look- it is how you are wired. You don’t have a choice.

But you have a choice in what you will do with that look. Will that look lead to lust? Will that temptation lead to decisions that lead to sin? We are all tempted. Jesus was tempted. You will be tempted. What will you do with that? Make a covenant with your eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. Get rid of the magazines, get rid of the videos, if you are sexually active and not married, get out of the relationship or get married. Get rid of your TV and Internet. I did not have a TV of Internet before I got married. I kept them out of my house so I wouldn’t even be tempted and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. You will never regret making a decision that saves you before the temptation even hits. Save yourself from yourself because we really should know this about ourselves.

If you have a problem with this get on a program that creates real accountability. Not some lame group of guys who get together and lie to each other about how holy they are. Go to xxxchurch.com and sign up for the programs the monitors every web page you view and sign up your mother as your partner, because the last thing any guys wants to for his mom to know what he looks at because all moms are sweet and innocent and would probably faint if they even knew sex existed (Joking!). Get help, get pure, make a covenant, because here the thing: YOUR visual design was given to you by God and it can actually be a blessing in your life and in your marriage!

Save your visualizations for your wedding night. Save yourself so that the night she undresses and gives herself to you, and you to her, that you fall in love in a way deeper and more wonderful than you’ve ever know or ever thought possible so that you end up saying wow, now she is flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone, we are as one! And I like what I see! I love what I see! You will fall in love with her, and you will fall in love with her over and over and over again, as you grow old together. For at every stage and age she will be your visual. She will be your benchmark of beauty.

Women, I want you to understand this about men. And I want your help. 1 Timothy 2: 9 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety...

Women, there is a break in the cup that holds love inside of you too. And we’ll talk more about that next Sunday. But because you have a longing and ache for love inside of you, you will be tempted to feed into this male desire in ways that degrade both yourselves, and men.

We want to celebrate your beauty in the right way, in the right context. Help us. We are visual. We will literally fall in love with your image. Help us from ourselves and dress modestly. You don’t have to wear a snowmobile outfit or dress like the Michelin tire woman, but don’t make us notice you for the wrong reason. You only degrade yourself, and mess us up. You only become one more image in the vault. Save yourself for your man, for your wedding night knowing this- he will fall in love with you at a level deeper than he has ever known before.

Women, knowing that men are visual, knowing that we love your image puts you in the position of power. And you need to embrace and be empowered by this. Women, you need to get confident in this before and after marriage. I’m going to throw a few things out here, some of which might be controversial, but all of which I believe bears to the truth of the bible, and the truth of our experience.

First, we now know this- men are created visual. What then is good for the man- seeing his wife naked. If he is visual, if he is going to be visual and nothing can change that, embrace it. In fact, embrace it as a God given gift that he will love visualizing you. Don’t let other women become his visualization. Keep bringing him back to the wedding night, keep him falling in love all over again. He longs to see you. Keep the lights on. Give him the eye candy. He wants it, he can find it in one click on the Internet, but he wants it from you even more.

You want to know why he's so happy to light about 50 candles in the bedroom? It's not because he's romantic, it's because he wants to see you!

I fully realize this has many implications. It may mean the both or you have to work through some bad advice or ideas you were given early in life. At one extreme it means we save the visual for marriage. At the other end it means that we free ourselves to embrace the visual in marriage. It may mean you have to work through some issues of body image. I means you will have to become comfortable with yourself at a deeper level. It may mean getting some help, some counseling.

It will DEFINITELY mean a lot to talking. It will mean really improving your communication. But you will find he really thinks you’re pretty awesome, or he wouldn’t have married you in the first place. You’ll find out he doesn’t expect you to look like a cartoon character. You’ll find out the things that you don’t like about yourself don’t really bother him. You’ll find out he’s a dog, OK. You’ll find out just how visual he is, and you’ll be shocked and horrified. Then it will click for you- but maybe, maybe, all of that can be focused on…me! He thinks about me that much, he thinks I’m that beautiful, he wants me all the time, he thinks I can basically do no wrong. You will be empowered in your relationship when you begin get this.

Second- take care of you. Now don't read any more or less into that- take care of YOU.
Now let me be very clear on this- I am NOT saying make yourself someone else- I’m saying take care of who you are. Be the best you that God made you to be- your man will love that, and I really think you will love that too! Men want women to know this so badly but our culture doesn’t let us say it- please just take care of yourself- it says you care for us. It’s a strange weird wonderful way that God has made most men. When you take care of yourself, when you look your best- again, not someone else’s best, your man directly interprets that as you caring for and loving him. It's part of being in the one flesh relationship- when he perceives you are taking care of you, he actually interprets it as taking care of him.

Here’s what you need to know- men don’t compare women to other women nearly as much as women compare themselves to other women. When we look, because we visual and we look, we aren’t comparing. We are looking and locked into that moment. We really are. We are lost in that moment. We are fully present. You really don’t have to worry that your husband is comparing- he’s still amazed that you actually married him!

Play this to your advantage. If taking care of yourself means pursing your hobby, do it. If it mean going to the gym, do it. If it means you need some nice new outfits instead of old sweats, go out and treat yourself. Your husband will make the time, pay the expense, do whatever it takes, because when you take care for yourself, you are saying to him- I care this much about you. And it totally works to your advantage.


Folks, I’m just preaching my life for you here- Robin and I had saved ourselves for marriage, as this is what we were taught this is the best way to do relationships and marriage and sex. Robin the only woman I’ve been with, she is the wife of my youth. I loved her when we were dating, and I loved her a little more when we got engaged, but when I saw her on our wedding night, when I saw her in that new way, it was new love at first sight. Robin revealed her self to me and gave her self to me I fell in love in a deeper way than I had ever know before. Because men are not just visual, we are so visual we will fall in love at first sight.

And it is still love at first sight. It is love at a level that she doesn’t understand. I’m serious. I say this to Robin all the time- I love you. And she’ll say I love you too. Then I’ll say, no it’s different, I love you! I love you the way a man loves a woman, and that’s something you just don’t understand. Then she laughs, and I laugh. But it’s true.

Because when I see her, something inside of me stirs. When I look at her, I start to feel alive. I can have the worst day of my life, but when I see her, it can make everything OK. When I gaze upon her, something in me awakes in a way that only a man knows, only a man loves. Because she is my standard for beauty. She is the one whom I have seen, whom I know, whom I desire. She knows she doesn’t have competing memories, or competing realities. She is my reality. She is my beauty.

Sometimes she catches me looking. I lie in bed at night, I always try to get into bed first, and I leave the lights on. And I’ll pretend to be reading a book. But when she comes in I’m watching her. But she doesn’t really mind, because I think after more than a decade of marriage she starting to finally get it- I'm falling in love with her again. And I really am. I see her and I am amazed. I am amazed that she gives herself to me. I am amazed that I get to call her my wife. I am amazed that we share the marriage bed. She’ll let me just soak her in, and I know you’ll think I’m totally crazy, but I’ll even think the words sometimes, "now this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. This is MY woman."

Women you want to know what’s good for men? Now don’t any of you misquote me in an incriminating way- but you want to know what ‘s good for men, right next to not being alone- seeing you. Men, you are visual- how are you going to use that in a way that glories God and honors women and serve your wife. Women, men are visual- how will you use that to glorify God, to honor men, and to serve your husband. Because folks, the man and the woman became husband and wife. They were both naked, and they were not ashamed. And speaking for men everywhere, I know, it was very, very good for Adam.