How many here have seen fiddler on the roof, our gentile reference point for all things Jewish? It’s story of a Jewish man, his marriage, his five daughters, and love. It’s all about tradition; it’s all about marriage. If at the end of the first scene things would not have gone bad with the wedding we would have seen one very important part of the wedding take place- the Yichud. The final part of the wedding before the celebration. After the betrothal, after the planning and preparation, after the wedding contract was drawn up, after the veiling of the bride, the rings, the blessings, standing under the prayer shawl, they were still not declared man and wife. For then the couple is ushered in to Yichud, the wedding tent, and there, yep, right then and there, the couple consummates the marriage! Can you believe that!
We still do that today in a much more socially acceptable form. What’s the last part of the wedding before we introduce a couple? The KISS! I have several weddings coming up this summer. I always float this idea past the couples- “You know, in order to really be married, to be husband and wife, one flesh, you really need to do more than kiss…” The guys are always into the idea. The women, not so much.
The Yichud reminds us that something much more is going on here. The tradition reminds us that in the eyes of God sex and marriage are virtually one and the same. You can’t have marriage without have sex, if you are having sex you are doing what consecrates a marriage. Something much bigger is going on. Today I want to talk to you about that much bigger thing going on that makes sex so wonderful, so special, so good for us.
Today I want to tell you the big secret about sex that no one is talking about. It’s the real truth about sex that you never see on screen or in a magazine. No one is talking about this reality in your classrooms, in your sexual psychology classes, or even, I suspect, in church. I’ve heard a lot of sex sermons, a lot of sermons more graphic than I’ve been, but nobody seems to be talking about this, at least not in the circles I run in or the books I read. What amazing to me about this is that you’ve probably thought about this on your own. This is something you and I can discern from our own experience.
Here it is- sex isn’t about pleasure. Sex really isn’t about the pleasure that it brings. They might label the condoms for her pleasure, for his pleasure. But sex isn’t about pleasure. No where in the bible does it ever teach us that sex is about our pleasure. Now understand what I’m saying so you follow my thinking and the biblical narrative- I did not say that sex is not pleasurable. Oh contraire my single friends, it is very pleasurable. But you need to first understand that sex is not about the pleasure it gives. And when you get that, you’ll start to gain the most pleasure from sex.
Are you confused yet? What I’m saying is that I want, and God wants, you to have the best sex life possible as a husband and wife. But in order to have that sex life, we are going to have to radically rethink our basic understanding and presuppositions on sex.
Let’s go back to the basics: Genesis 1- God made us in his image, male and female he created us. And he said to us, the very first command, the very first thing he wants us to do- be fruitful and multiply. How cool is our God? He wants us to have sex! A sermon a listened to this week helpful summarized there positions we hold regarding sex- god, gross, or gift.
For many sex become their god. This is the current flow of culture. Sex is about the best thing there is to experience in this world. So sex becomes their functional god. They willing gives their lives to the pursuit of sex. And they do so for good reason. It provides a moment of orgasmic pleasure. It gives the a moment of connection with another individual. It gives them a movement of escape from the drudgery of the world. It gives them at once a moment of power and submission, as sex always involves the dynamic interplay of give and take. They pursue sex like a god. They worship it, they bow down to it, they stake their life on it, they often end up giving their life to it. It is god. We are drawn to this because we know that there can some something divine found in the flesh, for our own Lord Jesus was flesh and blood. But in the end it always ends up being a false god which, out of context, brings pain and brokenness.
Second, the see it as a gross. Some are taught a theology of gross sex. It’s earthy, it’s fleshy, it’s of this world, and we should not be of this world. This is a profound misunderstanding of the bible and God’s mission to redeem and renew the earth. This says that the only things of value are transcendent. We must get beyond this mortal shell, and sex is certain of this mortal shell. This is the dualistic worldview introduced into Christianity through the philosophy of Plato. Spirit good, body bad. That why people talk about having “Purely Platonic relationships.” They are not sexual, and therefore, more pure. As we’ll see, this is couldn’t be further fro the truth- for the most pure relationship one can have with another person is the marriage bed- naked and not ashamed.
Some aren’t taught that sex is gross, they experience it as gross. We need not go into detail as it will suffice to say that anyone who has been sexually abused in it’s many insidious shapes and forms will often come to view and associate sex not with pleasure or anything good, but simply with power, pain, hurt and evil.
But there is a third view that begins to straighten out, or turn around, or turn right our view of sex- it is a gift. A gift of God given to his image bearers. We are not animals who pursue sex like a god. We are not angels, just spirits, who transcend the gross reality of intercourse. No, we are image bearers who embrace the gift in the right way in the right context for the right reasons.
So what is sex really about as a gift from God? Babies and bonding. We have the gift of sex so that we might be one flesh, bound to each other, and through that union we can bring about life. Let me go to a text that makes this even clearer. Malachi 2:15, “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and Spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking Godly offspring.”
It is God who dreamed and designed this whole thing of sex. He brings us together as one, flesh and spirit. Why, because god really likes babies. He’s really that into babies. And he’s really into our bonding. He really wants us to be that closely united with our spouse. And those babies come about through our bond.
Now am I saying every act of sex must be about making a baby? No. The woman’s fertility cycle each month, and over her life span teaches us that sex does not always have to be about making babies. The way God hs designed the woman tells us this. Does this mean I have some conviction and beliefs regarding contraception? You bet, but I’m not getting into that today. Does this mean that every act of sex has to be about bonding as a couple? Absolutely. In fact, it can doing nothing less than bond a couple. And the greater the bond, ultimately, the greater the pleasure a couple will experience with sex.
Until you understand that sex is not about pleasure you will never understand God’s purpose and plan for sexuality, and you will, ironically, never fully enjoy sex. Whenever we focus on the pleasure of a thing, we somehow lose a part of the pleasure. It’s like everyone has been in this situation- you’ve gone to an amusement park in order to have fun. But no one is having fun because your fighting or losing or too hot, or too cold or something. Then someone, usually dad, declares, we are going to do this and we are going to have fun! Which is like the most absurd declaration ever, but we’ve heard it, we’ve done it, or we will do it at some point in our lives. When we focus so much on the desire for fun, for pleasure, for happiness, we miss it. Because pleasure like an aftershock. It has to happen in a more pure fashion, a side effect, a surprise.
When we focus on the pleasure of something, we miss it, and it usually ends us costing us. This is what is called natural theology- looking to nature for the hand of God and how He has crafted things. Natural theology tells us that God seems to have attached pleasure to those things which we need and can glorify Him.
Take for example eating. We need to eat. We are earthy creatures, and we need to eat to live. We need the carbs, the fat, the protein, the vitamins and minerals, etc. We need to eat. Now we could be like the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar in the Matrix and create a kind of gruel that meets all our physical needs, but tastes like gruel. But we don’t. We make amazing wonderful meals to enjoy. We have pancakes with whip cream and strawberries for breakfast with a nice cup of coffee on the side. We have a big fat juicy burger with fries, I mean, french fries poutine and a tall thick milkshake on the side….I can keep going folks. We don’t want gruel that simple keeps us alive, we want a fest that makes us feel alive!
God has attached pleasure to food because we need food to survive, but what happens when we focus exclusively on the pleasure of food, when we ignore calories and fat and stuff like that and only focus on the pleasure- we eat food that aren’t good for us, and too much of it, and we end up hurting ourselves through the very food that supposed to bring us health. We become a glutton, we worship food, we get sick, we die.
At the other end, of the spectrum, we can also so far as to negate the pleasure of food, to deny ourselves food, to withdraw from food and develop an eating disorder of another kind- bulimia, or anorexia. Ironically, sadly, the anorexic desire to master food and body ultimately reveals that food is their master, their god as well.
Food becomes some people’s god, and for others, food becomes gross, something we can control. When we lose sight of the real purpose and place of food in our lives, we end up hurting ourselves. We end up losing all the pleasure that food is supposed to, and able, to bring into our lives.
All this is like sex. When we go after nothing but pure unabashed pleasure of sex no only will we end up missing some of the greatest pleasure there is to be found in sex, we will most often end up hurting ourselves, and in the area of sexuality, we’ll end up hurting others as well.
God has attached pleasure to the act of sex because we need sex and because sex can be glorifying to God. But never make the fatal mistake so many have made which is to take the pleasure and to think that is the purpose and place of sex- it’s about me, it’s about my pleasure, it’s about my orgasm, it’s about my needs.
We think sex is so simple, so much about just our pleasure. Insert tab a into slot a. But some of us know how complex sex really is. In fact, it is perhaps the most complicated of all of our human interactions. It is not just mechanics, but it the mingling of flesh and blood, body and soul. Its physical, emotion, intellectual and spiritual. It is in many regard the highest form of human communication and connection.
This is why sex is usually the first thing to go when a relationship is in trouble. This is why sex is so often a litmus test for the rest of a marriage and relationship. Sexual satisfaction is in fact the top predictor of marital satisfaction. If it’s not good in bed, its usual not good in the rest of the house.
Many of you know this already because you’ve seen it or experienced it in your own life. Some of the most sexually unhappy people in the world are the most sexually active people in the world. When you listen to porn stars interviewed. When you talk with a sex addict. When all we want from sex is pleasure, and so we lift it out of its context of a committed covenant marriage, when we remove from the conversation the reality that this is a gift from God. He has given us this gift so we can make babies, so we can be bound to one another. When we take those purposes out of the equation, and then say I just want the pleasure, the saddest thing is, then we’re most likely to miss it.
Folks, there are way to many people have way too much sex all in the name of pleasure, who have never ever come close to experiencing the full joy and delight and gift of sex. We need sex so we can make babies and experience the bond of marriage. When we get this right we are putting sex in it’s created context and play ground. And when you put sex there, then you are in the right place, and the right context, to reap the greatest pleasure out of sex.
Now I want to jump to the passage from which I’ve taken everything I just taught. All this stuff about the purpose of sex, the misunderstanding of sex, it’s a god, or it’s just gross. The wisdom of natural theology and the direct parallels we find between food and sex, pleasure and purpose, is found in 1 Corinthians 6 and 7.
One of the first places that the church was planted and began to grow was in a city called Corinth. Outside of the bible we know what Corinth was like- it was the cross-roads of civilizations and trade routes. It was a commercial city, and industrial powerhouse. It was a pluralistic city, there were at least 12 different temples to different gods and religions in Corinth. And above all, it was an immoral city. It was Sin City. The centerpiece of the city was the temple of Aphrodite, which employed over 1000 temple prostitutes. To “Corinthianize” was to engage in sexual immorality. This is where people came to worship and have sex. This was the place where our God decided to grow his church.
The church growing in Corinth has man many questions about sex. They were starting with the most basic questions- is it ok for a person to have sex with his mother? No. OK, what if it’s his stepmother? What if she’s really hot? Still, no. OK, two people are having sex, and they are married, is that OK? Yes. Now let’s say they are married to other people- is that OK? No. God says sex is made for a husband and a wife, period, and still everyone is trying to find loopholes!
These folks were dealing with their own sexuality and their sexual desires in a free for all culture that told them if it feels good do it. The only difference between them and us 2000 years later is we amended the culture reference point, if it feels good and doesn’t hurt anyone else, do it. In chapter 6 Paul goes to the creation story and reminds them of the reality of sex and marriage, all of which falls under this amazing bit of advice- everything is permissible for me- not everything is beneficial. He’s saying, you know, you can be all about the pleasure of sex. You can go after it hog wild. But ask yourself if that really the best way to enjoy sex. Ask yourself, and look at your life, and be honest- do you think you are maximizing your pleasure?
If you forget everything else we talk about this morning, remember that truth, live by it, teach it to your children. Always ask yourself; will this ultimately bring the greatest benefit to my life? Will this decision, this relationship, this job, this move, this whatever bring me the most benefit.
Then he goes directly to the food analogy to help us understand this stuff. Food for the stomach, the stomach for food. Understand how God has made you and made things so that you will not be mastered by anything.
Then he gets into a vivid and explicit image of what is really happening when you simply pursue sex for the sake of pleasure. In this case, it is with the temple prostitutes. He says not matter how causal you think the sex is, the two of you are becoming one. Its really this simple.
(Take two pieces of paper…)
Let’s cut to the chase- this is the highest possible view of sex that is possible in heaven and on earth. Sex us so wonderful, so important, so binding in a relationship, so sacred and special and to be honored among all people all the time everywhere, that sex and marriage are understood biblically a nearly one in the same thing.
If you are married, you are having sex. If you are having sex, you are doing what is reserved for the marriage covenant. This is the highest view of sex possible. There seems to be persistent misunderstandings and misconceptions regarding the church and the bible and sex. But let’s be very very clear- nobody holds sex in a higher more important view than God. I can’t say it enough- God invented sex. He has a plan and purpose for sex. He made it feel good, He made us desire it. It is a gift. A gift to be shared and enjoyed in the right way, which is marriage. A gift that brings us the gift of children. A gift that brings us together as one flesh.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Good for Her
DISCLAIMER: I don't edit my manuscripts. I write them, then I preach them. There will be many typos!
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I need to start right where we ended last week, and I do want to start on a more serious note, though I hope we’ll have a lot of fun today, as rally, sex should be a lot of fun and play. But we ended the service by just singing, Your Grace is Enough. That was very intentional.
I had talked about the trajectory that God prescribes in scripture. Not just a description of what happens for many, but a prescription for the course of most people- leave home, find a spouse, get married, have kids, grow old and die. I wanted to be clear that not everyone is called to this trajectory. Some are called to singleness and chastity. Some are only just starting this trajectory. But statistically, 97% of us will marry and have at least 1 child.
But the reality is that this trajectory is rarely experienced in people’s lives. Most people will have to insert something along that line. Prom night. A boyfriend in college. A bunch of hookups in college. A porn addiction. A divorce. A rape. Or other things, horrible things. Few people go through life on such a simple trajectory. Most have to insert some sexual experience or event into that trajectory.
The last thing I want you to take from this series is that this means you’ve blown it, you messed up, you’re messed up, forget about pleasing God or having a pleasing sex life now. Too little, too late, too bad. No. That’s why we ended the service with the song, Your grace is enough. If you want God’s grace, it is there for you to dive in. Experience God’s grace. It’s deeper, richer, more loving and life giving than anything else in the universe. Experience his forgiveness. Experience his healing. Ask him to make you a new creation. Ask for anew start. He will give it to you.
OK, with that said, let’s talk about sex baby! Last week we talked about what makes it good for guys. Women, this is really easy. I mean really easy. You are so lucky. We men are extremely simple machines. We have like one moving part. You have like, a million. We are extremely predictable. The same stimulus will elicit the same response over and over and over again. We are very understandable. What is good for guys- seeing your wife naked. Adam saw Eve naked, he fell in love. It really was that simple. And it remains that simple. We are made as visually stimulated creatures, but the stimulation goes even beyond physical, it pulls in our emotions, our affections, our loyalties, our hearts.
There is a very negative down side to this created reality about men- we are drawn instinctively to pornographic and erotic images. We will always be tempted to look, to linger, to lust over women. The porn industry is actively pursuing young men, and women, trying to make the industry normal, accessible, in your face. It will try to capture your eyes, your affections, your heart as it captures your pocketbook. Women, you need to understand that many men do not just like porn- they have fallen in love with it, or at least, they think they have. It’s the thing that excites, thrills, wonders and amazes them. They are at one made to feel alive by it, but at the same time they are being killed by it. It is killing their love, their relationships, their heart and soul.
But there is a potential blessing to why God created men so visually- it causes us to fall deeply, madly, wonderfully in love with our wives. And when the one naked woman in our lives is our wife, she is always and forever our standard for beauty. She is the one we see naked, we imagine naked, we love naked. We love our naked wife when we are young and firm and frisky and 25, and when we are older, and not as firm, but still a bit frisky, and 75.
As we get into it now, you need to understand my under girding assumption, which is as follows: God made sex. Sex is good. Sex is for making babies. Sex is for bonding as a couple. And now as far as the bond goes, men want to bond more than women. Husbands generally want more sex. They want more sex because they are visual and have a stronger sexual appetite.
Studies tell us this (From the book)- men generally want more sex, and men are generally the initiators of sex. This does not mean that women do not want or enjoy sex. It means men think about it more, want it more, and so initiate it more. Here is what is so important to understand right fro the research- most of the wives surveyed stated they wished they had a stronger appetite for sex. But they don’t. In fact, women aren’t really into sex until about halfway through having sex. They love their husbands. The like sex. They just have other things on their mind, which is hard for men to believe, and it really takes them that long to get into it. So again, my assumption here is that while sex is good and enjoyable for women, and that what we are talking about today, the context for sex is almost always going to happen when the man initiates the sexual encounter.
Now women, I am speaking to the men here, but I am speaking on your behalf, so you are going to have to help me out. Embrace me as a sister! Kidding. But let me know ladies, let me know if I’m speaking the truth!
But now, men, it’s time for you to listen. Listen closely, because I have God’s word to share with you. I have insight that will change your life and your marriage. I have wisdom from the other side, and from the opposite sex, that will change everything. This may be the greatest day of your life. The morning that changes everything. Men are going to built a shire in my honor. This is going to be awesome. Listen up.
Song of Songs, SOS, it’s called that for a reason. Men, when you need help in your marriage relationship, send out the SOS, read the book. It will help you. It’s Solomon’s best stuff. It’s what he considers his greatest hits album. It is the harlequin romance novel of the bible. It’s has sparked controversy for millennium. Many have said it’s an allegory of Christ’s love for the church. Let me just say I really hope not, because it describes some kinds of love I only want with my wife, OK. I’m just saying, if it’s about the church, well, things are going to get weird. I just don’t think this is about the church. It is graphic. It is erotic. It is sexual. It is in your bible!
So here’s what’s happening- the lover has pursued his beloved. He has seen her working in the fields. He has seen her talking, laughing, working with her girl friends. Guys, note to self, she has girls friends, she will talk about everything with her girl friends, if you want to win her over, you must also win over her girl friends. This is just the way it is. Do not fight against nature. It is a losing battle. Just know this. Anyways, he is smitten by her beauty. He has seen her diligent work and is not put off by the fact that she is part of the working class. In fact, he is enamored with her strength and abilities. She is not some waif of a princess sitting in her chambers in a tall tower waiting to be rescued. She is the equivalent of a modern day, liberated working woman who can take care of herself. And the result is this- he wants her!
Read Ch.2:
Note: your wife is a rose, and other women are like thorns in comparison.
Note: there you go, you don’t have put on the red light baby, you just put the little box of Sunmaid raisins by the bedside table. Oh honey, I’m too tired tonight. But daring, I have brought you raisins and an apple- not just any apple- a granny smith, the largest, crispiest, tartest of all of God’s apples!
Read through v.13
She is longing for the one to pursue her, the one to find her, the one to arouse her passions and to rescue her, not because she can’t help herself, but because he desires her that much. That’s the key men. You must get this. She doesn’t need you to rescue her. She wants you to pursue her. There is a huge difference. She wants you to want her that much. Men, do you want to know what makes it good for her? Hot pursuit. Hot pursuit baby! Again, I’m going to talk about this in the context of marriage, as that is the playground for our hot sexual pursuit.
Husbands, your wife is hot! Husbands, you better see your wife as the one hot mama that she is. She is the rose amongst the thorns. She is hot and everyone else is not. So when she looks at some young co-ed and says, wow, isn’t she beautiful, look at her skinny little body. You say, dag honey, she looks like a walking mop. When she says I feel fat, you say let then let me feel fat too! When she asks do I look good in this, say yes, but you’d look better out of it. When she compares herself to someone else, you better make her the rose among the thorns. She wants to know, I am still the one, and that’s when you best not hesitate a moment and let her know- oh yeah!
Your wife is hot- your kind of hot, and she needs to be hotly pursued. Husbands, when your wife said “I do” she didn’t say “you’re done.” What she said was, I do give you permission, and my blessing, to hotly pursue me forever. Now let me give you this assurance, that because I said I do, you’ll always get your prize, but the kind of prize will be directly correlated to your level of pursuit. I’ll just let you mull that over a moment.
What makes it good for women? Hot Pursuit baby. Your woman wants you to hotly pursue her everyday, all day for the rest of your life together. That is what makes sex good for her. Your mission, should you choose to accept, like you won’t except, really, your mission is to go in hot pursuit of your wife.
Let me break down this pursuit in a way you can remember and apply. Men, you like games. You like to play x box, or golf, or hockey, or some other game. So you need to become experts at playing the game with your wife. You know what a win looks like, I don’t have to go into detail about that. I’m going the help you play the game so you can get to the win (incidentally, winning does mean a tie score. Let’s just be real clear about that. The analogy doesn’t work perfectly- you do want a tie score at the end.)
So here it is, to win the game, you need: Word Play- Chore Play- Fore Play.
Word Play. Men, your hot pursuit begins with your words. Read SOS and look no further than this most obvious point- you better become a poet. You better learn how to write or read poetry, because you wife wants the poetry. You better become a wordsmith in hot pursuit. Your words matter.
Some men approach marriage like this- well, I told her I loved her when we got married. If that fact should change, I’ll let her know. Dude, come on. You need to know that as visual as you are, your wife is even more verbal. Just remember that- I’m visual, she’s verbal. And if you want her to be good to you visually, you better be good to her verbally. You better shower her with poems, with affirmations, with words of love and affection. You can not underestimate the power of word play in your marriage and in your wife’s life.
Word play means you better be wooing her with your words. Your words are your number one piece of equipment in this game of hot pursuit. They really are. Now there are exceptions I’m sure. But for most of us, for our wives, our word play is the number one tool, the best equipment, the most important part of our equipment to use. Learn to use it well. Learn to build her up. Learn to speak in a tone a manner and way that she hears and responds to.
Second, while you’re engaging in hot pursuit, while your using your word play, don’t forget about the chore play. Doing chores bears direct on a woman’s pleasure and participation in the bedroom.
Am I implying that men should do chores in the hopes that this will get them more sex? Let me respond by saying if we are cleaning up, doing laundry, helping around the house and getting the kids to bed early, does it really matter why we are doing it? No really, we husbands should be doing chores because we are a part of the household and because, well, we should.
But it does work like this. If there is no mess in the kitchen, no clothes to be cleaned, the kids are in bed, the lunches packed for tomorrow, then you can simply say, well, I guess there’s nothing left to do, I suppose I’ll just run off to bed. Dude, by that point she’ll probably beat you there!
But really, men, you know how you can’t not look? Well, your wife can’t not look at the mess in the house. She can’t think about the bedroom until other things are taken care of. You know how I said women, when you take care of yourself, we husbands feel like you are taking care of us. Well men, here’s the flip side. When you take care of the chores, she feels like you are taking care of her.
It just works that way. Think about it this way, in the way that you desire sex as it can pulls you out of exhaustion, women must first be pulled out of exhaustion to desire sex. So if she is exhausted, spent and tired of doing chores until 11pm, sex is not going to be good for her.
Incidentally, let me give you a bit more advice, when your doing chore play, you can’t make that a part of your word play. They are two separate components to the pursuit. I learned that this week when, after finishing cleaning up the kitchen I announced, honey, I’m done with my chore play. And she simply said, now it doesn’t count anymore.
Finally then, you can get onto the foreplay. Where does that start? When doesn’t it start? Men, you are like a microwave. Hot and ready. Women are crock-pots, they are slow cookers. You better turn them on in the morning and let them heat up all day! Now let me break this down for you- you have to do this in both intentional ways and in subtle ways.
Go ahead and be very intentional in letting her know your desires. At the breakfast table, as your walking out the door, give her a smooch and say hey hot momma, it’s been a while since I rocked your world. What do you say we rock out tonight? If she says we just rocked out last night, I’m busy, then let it go. If she says, hey, that could be nice, then consider yourself in hot pursuit. Call her that day. Give her some more word play. Leave her a message. Write a note and put it o her mirror. There is nothing wrong with intentional foreplay. With letting her know that you want to be good to her. To calling out your intentions and starting the communication.
You are going to have to play this covertly as well. That’s essential to the pursuit. For example. Giving her a squeeze is for you. That’s very direct. Not subtle. That’s for you. That’s probably annoying for her much of the time. But holding her is subtle. Think of it this way- affection without expectation. Or seven seconds of non-sexual touch.
Incidentally, that seven seconds of non-sexual touch cannot happen in the bedroom. Trust me. I’ve tried it. Just the other night I jumped in bed held my wife and announced- I have no intention or expectation of having sex with you for the next seven seconds. Then after seven seconds I announced that my intentions had radically changed.
Again, she told me that had negated the previous seven seconds. Why does she keep changing the rules on me!
OK, there is a ton that we could still say about men, about women, about sex. But men, you want to make it good for your wife. If you are a man at all and if you are actually like most men, it is incredibly important to you to be good and pleasing to your wife. So you must embrace the hot pursuit. Read SOS and learn from God’s word. Learn that your woman doesn’t need you to pursue and rescue her. But she wants you to. She wants you to want her that much.
You have three tools in this pursuit, three pieces of equipment: Word play. How will you use your words to love her, care for her, inspire her, arouse her. Chore Play. Help out around the home. Be a man of God, step up and help out. Finally, Fore Play. You’ve laid a foundation with your words. You’ve removed the distractions with your chores. Don’t blow it now. You’re so close. Make it good for her by starting the foreplay. Hug her long and hard and with no expectations. A bit later, tell her your intentions. Give her time to warm up. If you do this, it’s almost impossible for it not to be good for her.
We are going to end this message with a song. It’s a song that has spoken to the hearts of millions of women. It is a song of their souls. But this morning, as this is about men understanding women, we singing this for the men. I want you to hear this as the song of your wife’s heart. She has a deep longing that only God can meet. But God can use you in meeting that need. Because your wife longs to be beautiful. What’s good for her? To know, to know deep down and believe, that she is beautiful…
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I need to start right where we ended last week, and I do want to start on a more serious note, though I hope we’ll have a lot of fun today, as rally, sex should be a lot of fun and play. But we ended the service by just singing, Your Grace is Enough. That was very intentional.
I had talked about the trajectory that God prescribes in scripture. Not just a description of what happens for many, but a prescription for the course of most people- leave home, find a spouse, get married, have kids, grow old and die. I wanted to be clear that not everyone is called to this trajectory. Some are called to singleness and chastity. Some are only just starting this trajectory. But statistically, 97% of us will marry and have at least 1 child.
But the reality is that this trajectory is rarely experienced in people’s lives. Most people will have to insert something along that line. Prom night. A boyfriend in college. A bunch of hookups in college. A porn addiction. A divorce. A rape. Or other things, horrible things. Few people go through life on such a simple trajectory. Most have to insert some sexual experience or event into that trajectory.
The last thing I want you to take from this series is that this means you’ve blown it, you messed up, you’re messed up, forget about pleasing God or having a pleasing sex life now. Too little, too late, too bad. No. That’s why we ended the service with the song, Your grace is enough. If you want God’s grace, it is there for you to dive in. Experience God’s grace. It’s deeper, richer, more loving and life giving than anything else in the universe. Experience his forgiveness. Experience his healing. Ask him to make you a new creation. Ask for anew start. He will give it to you.
OK, with that said, let’s talk about sex baby! Last week we talked about what makes it good for guys. Women, this is really easy. I mean really easy. You are so lucky. We men are extremely simple machines. We have like one moving part. You have like, a million. We are extremely predictable. The same stimulus will elicit the same response over and over and over again. We are very understandable. What is good for guys- seeing your wife naked. Adam saw Eve naked, he fell in love. It really was that simple. And it remains that simple. We are made as visually stimulated creatures, but the stimulation goes even beyond physical, it pulls in our emotions, our affections, our loyalties, our hearts.
There is a very negative down side to this created reality about men- we are drawn instinctively to pornographic and erotic images. We will always be tempted to look, to linger, to lust over women. The porn industry is actively pursuing young men, and women, trying to make the industry normal, accessible, in your face. It will try to capture your eyes, your affections, your heart as it captures your pocketbook. Women, you need to understand that many men do not just like porn- they have fallen in love with it, or at least, they think they have. It’s the thing that excites, thrills, wonders and amazes them. They are at one made to feel alive by it, but at the same time they are being killed by it. It is killing their love, their relationships, their heart and soul.
But there is a potential blessing to why God created men so visually- it causes us to fall deeply, madly, wonderfully in love with our wives. And when the one naked woman in our lives is our wife, she is always and forever our standard for beauty. She is the one we see naked, we imagine naked, we love naked. We love our naked wife when we are young and firm and frisky and 25, and when we are older, and not as firm, but still a bit frisky, and 75.
As we get into it now, you need to understand my under girding assumption, which is as follows: God made sex. Sex is good. Sex is for making babies. Sex is for bonding as a couple. And now as far as the bond goes, men want to bond more than women. Husbands generally want more sex. They want more sex because they are visual and have a stronger sexual appetite.
Studies tell us this (From the book)- men generally want more sex, and men are generally the initiators of sex. This does not mean that women do not want or enjoy sex. It means men think about it more, want it more, and so initiate it more. Here is what is so important to understand right fro the research- most of the wives surveyed stated they wished they had a stronger appetite for sex. But they don’t. In fact, women aren’t really into sex until about halfway through having sex. They love their husbands. The like sex. They just have other things on their mind, which is hard for men to believe, and it really takes them that long to get into it. So again, my assumption here is that while sex is good and enjoyable for women, and that what we are talking about today, the context for sex is almost always going to happen when the man initiates the sexual encounter.
Now women, I am speaking to the men here, but I am speaking on your behalf, so you are going to have to help me out. Embrace me as a sister! Kidding. But let me know ladies, let me know if I’m speaking the truth!
But now, men, it’s time for you to listen. Listen closely, because I have God’s word to share with you. I have insight that will change your life and your marriage. I have wisdom from the other side, and from the opposite sex, that will change everything. This may be the greatest day of your life. The morning that changes everything. Men are going to built a shire in my honor. This is going to be awesome. Listen up.
Song of Songs, SOS, it’s called that for a reason. Men, when you need help in your marriage relationship, send out the SOS, read the book. It will help you. It’s Solomon’s best stuff. It’s what he considers his greatest hits album. It is the harlequin romance novel of the bible. It’s has sparked controversy for millennium. Many have said it’s an allegory of Christ’s love for the church. Let me just say I really hope not, because it describes some kinds of love I only want with my wife, OK. I’m just saying, if it’s about the church, well, things are going to get weird. I just don’t think this is about the church. It is graphic. It is erotic. It is sexual. It is in your bible!
So here’s what’s happening- the lover has pursued his beloved. He has seen her working in the fields. He has seen her talking, laughing, working with her girl friends. Guys, note to self, she has girls friends, she will talk about everything with her girl friends, if you want to win her over, you must also win over her girl friends. This is just the way it is. Do not fight against nature. It is a losing battle. Just know this. Anyways, he is smitten by her beauty. He has seen her diligent work and is not put off by the fact that she is part of the working class. In fact, he is enamored with her strength and abilities. She is not some waif of a princess sitting in her chambers in a tall tower waiting to be rescued. She is the equivalent of a modern day, liberated working woman who can take care of herself. And the result is this- he wants her!
Read Ch.2:
Note: your wife is a rose, and other women are like thorns in comparison.
Note: there you go, you don’t have put on the red light baby, you just put the little box of Sunmaid raisins by the bedside table. Oh honey, I’m too tired tonight. But daring, I have brought you raisins and an apple- not just any apple- a granny smith, the largest, crispiest, tartest of all of God’s apples!
Read through v.13
She is longing for the one to pursue her, the one to find her, the one to arouse her passions and to rescue her, not because she can’t help herself, but because he desires her that much. That’s the key men. You must get this. She doesn’t need you to rescue her. She wants you to pursue her. There is a huge difference. She wants you to want her that much. Men, do you want to know what makes it good for her? Hot pursuit. Hot pursuit baby! Again, I’m going to talk about this in the context of marriage, as that is the playground for our hot sexual pursuit.
Husbands, your wife is hot! Husbands, you better see your wife as the one hot mama that she is. She is the rose amongst the thorns. She is hot and everyone else is not. So when she looks at some young co-ed and says, wow, isn’t she beautiful, look at her skinny little body. You say, dag honey, she looks like a walking mop. When she says I feel fat, you say let then let me feel fat too! When she asks do I look good in this, say yes, but you’d look better out of it. When she compares herself to someone else, you better make her the rose among the thorns. She wants to know, I am still the one, and that’s when you best not hesitate a moment and let her know- oh yeah!
Your wife is hot- your kind of hot, and she needs to be hotly pursued. Husbands, when your wife said “I do” she didn’t say “you’re done.” What she said was, I do give you permission, and my blessing, to hotly pursue me forever. Now let me give you this assurance, that because I said I do, you’ll always get your prize, but the kind of prize will be directly correlated to your level of pursuit. I’ll just let you mull that over a moment.
What makes it good for women? Hot Pursuit baby. Your woman wants you to hotly pursue her everyday, all day for the rest of your life together. That is what makes sex good for her. Your mission, should you choose to accept, like you won’t except, really, your mission is to go in hot pursuit of your wife.
Let me break down this pursuit in a way you can remember and apply. Men, you like games. You like to play x box, or golf, or hockey, or some other game. So you need to become experts at playing the game with your wife. You know what a win looks like, I don’t have to go into detail about that. I’m going the help you play the game so you can get to the win (incidentally, winning does mean a tie score. Let’s just be real clear about that. The analogy doesn’t work perfectly- you do want a tie score at the end.)
So here it is, to win the game, you need: Word Play- Chore Play- Fore Play.
Word Play. Men, your hot pursuit begins with your words. Read SOS and look no further than this most obvious point- you better become a poet. You better learn how to write or read poetry, because you wife wants the poetry. You better become a wordsmith in hot pursuit. Your words matter.
Some men approach marriage like this- well, I told her I loved her when we got married. If that fact should change, I’ll let her know. Dude, come on. You need to know that as visual as you are, your wife is even more verbal. Just remember that- I’m visual, she’s verbal. And if you want her to be good to you visually, you better be good to her verbally. You better shower her with poems, with affirmations, with words of love and affection. You can not underestimate the power of word play in your marriage and in your wife’s life.
Word play means you better be wooing her with your words. Your words are your number one piece of equipment in this game of hot pursuit. They really are. Now there are exceptions I’m sure. But for most of us, for our wives, our word play is the number one tool, the best equipment, the most important part of our equipment to use. Learn to use it well. Learn to build her up. Learn to speak in a tone a manner and way that she hears and responds to.
Second, while you’re engaging in hot pursuit, while your using your word play, don’t forget about the chore play. Doing chores bears direct on a woman’s pleasure and participation in the bedroom.
Am I implying that men should do chores in the hopes that this will get them more sex? Let me respond by saying if we are cleaning up, doing laundry, helping around the house and getting the kids to bed early, does it really matter why we are doing it? No really, we husbands should be doing chores because we are a part of the household and because, well, we should.
But it does work like this. If there is no mess in the kitchen, no clothes to be cleaned, the kids are in bed, the lunches packed for tomorrow, then you can simply say, well, I guess there’s nothing left to do, I suppose I’ll just run off to bed. Dude, by that point she’ll probably beat you there!
But really, men, you know how you can’t not look? Well, your wife can’t not look at the mess in the house. She can’t think about the bedroom until other things are taken care of. You know how I said women, when you take care of yourself, we husbands feel like you are taking care of us. Well men, here’s the flip side. When you take care of the chores, she feels like you are taking care of her.
It just works that way. Think about it this way, in the way that you desire sex as it can pulls you out of exhaustion, women must first be pulled out of exhaustion to desire sex. So if she is exhausted, spent and tired of doing chores until 11pm, sex is not going to be good for her.
Incidentally, let me give you a bit more advice, when your doing chore play, you can’t make that a part of your word play. They are two separate components to the pursuit. I learned that this week when, after finishing cleaning up the kitchen I announced, honey, I’m done with my chore play. And she simply said, now it doesn’t count anymore.
Finally then, you can get onto the foreplay. Where does that start? When doesn’t it start? Men, you are like a microwave. Hot and ready. Women are crock-pots, they are slow cookers. You better turn them on in the morning and let them heat up all day! Now let me break this down for you- you have to do this in both intentional ways and in subtle ways.
Go ahead and be very intentional in letting her know your desires. At the breakfast table, as your walking out the door, give her a smooch and say hey hot momma, it’s been a while since I rocked your world. What do you say we rock out tonight? If she says we just rocked out last night, I’m busy, then let it go. If she says, hey, that could be nice, then consider yourself in hot pursuit. Call her that day. Give her some more word play. Leave her a message. Write a note and put it o her mirror. There is nothing wrong with intentional foreplay. With letting her know that you want to be good to her. To calling out your intentions and starting the communication.
You are going to have to play this covertly as well. That’s essential to the pursuit. For example. Giving her a squeeze is for you. That’s very direct. Not subtle. That’s for you. That’s probably annoying for her much of the time. But holding her is subtle. Think of it this way- affection without expectation. Or seven seconds of non-sexual touch.
Incidentally, that seven seconds of non-sexual touch cannot happen in the bedroom. Trust me. I’ve tried it. Just the other night I jumped in bed held my wife and announced- I have no intention or expectation of having sex with you for the next seven seconds. Then after seven seconds I announced that my intentions had radically changed.
Again, she told me that had negated the previous seven seconds. Why does she keep changing the rules on me!
OK, there is a ton that we could still say about men, about women, about sex. But men, you want to make it good for your wife. If you are a man at all and if you are actually like most men, it is incredibly important to you to be good and pleasing to your wife. So you must embrace the hot pursuit. Read SOS and learn from God’s word. Learn that your woman doesn’t need you to pursue and rescue her. But she wants you to. She wants you to want her that much.
You have three tools in this pursuit, three pieces of equipment: Word play. How will you use your words to love her, care for her, inspire her, arouse her. Chore Play. Help out around the home. Be a man of God, step up and help out. Finally, Fore Play. You’ve laid a foundation with your words. You’ve removed the distractions with your chores. Don’t blow it now. You’re so close. Make it good for her by starting the foreplay. Hug her long and hard and with no expectations. A bit later, tell her your intentions. Give her time to warm up. If you do this, it’s almost impossible for it not to be good for her.
We are going to end this message with a song. It’s a song that has spoken to the hearts of millions of women. It is a song of their souls. But this morning, as this is about men understanding women, we singing this for the men. I want you to hear this as the song of your wife’s heart. She has a deep longing that only God can meet. But God can use you in meeting that need. Because your wife longs to be beautiful. What’s good for her? To know, to know deep down and believe, that she is beautiful…
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Good For Him
Series: Was it good for you?
Recap of last week:
It is not good to be alone- so we must find out the ways to be good together. We must connect with the ones like us- we will talk about this in the context of sexual connection and marriage, but generally speaking, we must be with ones like us. We look for the one like us, the one that will complete us, the one that will help fill and heal that wound in our soul. And it’s there in that search, in finding the one like us, that this relational dynamic happens so often- we find the one like us in our brokenness. We are attracted, drawn, lead almost to ones that are like us- you pain is like my pain, your hurts are like my hurts, you addictions are like my addictions, you abuse, your trespasses, your violations, your hang-ups, are like mine- so maybe we can understand each other, maybe we can connect with each other, maybe even we can fix each other.
But as the song that Evan played for us taught, two broken, half empty cups pouring their lives into each other usually amounts to a lot of split love, love poured out, but never enough to fill us up. So we must go to the waterfall, we must go to God. We must get right with God, we must get in him, then we’ll have water pouring abundant. Then we’ll have something to offer someone else. Then we can be drawn to each other because we are alike in our healing, in our wholeness, in Christ. That when our connection with others is like magic.
Today I want to pick up right where we left off. Let’s just throw this idea out right now- men have to be tough guy loner types to be real men. No, tough guy loner types are men who are emotionally immature and don’t know how to have meaningful relationships so they put on the façade of being so cool they don’t need people, when really, on the inside, they are probably the saddest, loneliest, most broken men you know, and we must feel sorry and sad for them, and we must try to help them. They may have had bad role models as children, they may have had some traumatic experiences, they may have been violated in some way, perhaps they just had their heart broken. They did love, they gave away their heart, they had it handed back to them with a fork, and they were done.
But still- it is not good for the man to be alone, and when men are left alone too long, they get weird, and smelly and forget about personal hygiene and the most basic of grooming. I’m not saying you men need to man-scape, you just need to take of the basics. Even cats lick themselves clean! But men left alone get nasty- just nasty, like dogs rolling around in stink.
Men left alone with other men… get even worse. The things they should treat with modesty they begin to show off like a trophy. I’m telling you one of the most traumatic experiences of my life was freshmen year in a all male dorm. I felt dirty the moment I walked in. And yet, I felt strangely at home. Some of you guys living in apartments with a bunch of other guys- you’re nasty. You know who you are, and we know who you are- we can smell you a mile away. Febreeze is NOT a substitute for washing your clothes; more deodorant is NOT a substitute for bathing; underwear should NOT be an optional part of your wardrobe. If you have more questions, talk to me later.
Well, it’s not good to be alone, so going back to the story in Genesis 2, God parades all the creatures for Adam. None is LIKE him. He needs something that more like him, but not him. He is created in the image of a loving God who exists in a loving communion- Father, Son, Holy Spirit. He needs a relationship like that. God puts him into the deep sleep, he takes a rib, makes the woman. God brings her to the man, and picking up the story, as the man now looks upon the woman for the first time, he says this… Genesis 2:23-25
This is the trajectory for most people. Grow up, leave home, find a spouse, have sex, make babies. BUT not everyone follows this trajectory. Some are too young to be married yet. Some are called to be single. Some have not been taught this trajectory so they haven’t followed this course in their relationships. Some have had this trajectory taken from them, and they too must find their way back. We will be addressing some of those things, but today, we are dealing with this most normative trajectory, and we are looking at it from the man’s point of view.
Now take note of this- this one observation has served to encourage me more than anything else. The man and the woman have not talked. They have not shared one word. Adam looks at her, and with only that he falls in love. He is so taken, so smitten; he begins to spontaneously spout out poetry. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones! The dude has it bad- he has it bad for her simply because he looked at her. He saw her naked form, and without shame he was ready to give his life to her. He wanted her! But not just that, he loved her. He was ready to make a lifelong commitment.
So here’s the answer to the age-old question- Is it possible to fall in love at first sight? Absolutely. In fact, for the man, for the way we men are wired, we can and do fall in love at first sight. In fact, what we will discover, falling in love at first sight is NORMAL for men.
Here’s the truth- every man in the world- your son, your boyfriend, your husband, your father, your grandfather, your neighbor- every guy sitting here fell in love at first sight. We fell in love with the first naked woman we saw in picture or video or in our first sexual encounter.
No, I’m am not crazy- I am being honest, and I am looking at the creation story, and I am just putting the two together. Men are designed, wired, created to fall in love visually. This is before the fall; this is before anything bad has happen, before sin is a part of the picture. Men are created as high visual beings- stimulated, enlivened, aroused, emotionally engaged, through simply seeing the naked female body. We get an endorphin rush just at the sight of a woman. The male design to be visual is how we are created, and therefore, something to be embrace and used for God’s glory and our mutual blessing. But sadly, in a fallen world, it has been distorted into destructive and dehumanizing behaviors.
This requires some unpacking. Let me tell you where were going with this:
You’ve probably all heard this- men are visual. But a recent book brilliantly asks the question, what does that even mean? Shanti Feldhahn wrote a book called For Women Only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men. Pick it up, read it, review it, apply it. She wrote with her husband then, For Men Only: a straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. I give this my highest recommendation too. I will refer to both of these books liberally the next few weeks.
She writes a chapter called the keeper of the visual Rolodex. She should have called it the keeper of the visual TVO. Because the visualization that men experience and live with is stored on the hard drive of our minds, vivid, in color, and replay able at any time. This is almost universally applicable to men. In her research she discovers what men have always known but now we are able to talk about. She writes, “Even happily married men are instinctively pulled to visually “consume” attractive women. And these images can be just as alluring whether they are live or recollected.”
She goes on to discern two things about this that she as a woman didn’t get before: First, men can’t not want to look. A woman who is dressed to show off her body is an eye magnet that is almost impossible to ignore, and even if a man forces himself not to look, he is actively aware of her presence.
So what does this actually mean? Ladies, it’s going to have to get worse before it gets better. Let me put this as bluntly and as personally as possible. I like to exercise. The weather sucks in Ontario half the year. I go to a gym. I literally have to spiritually prepare myself every time I go into that gym. So men may not have this problem (2%), some men I know have actually quit going to gyms its so bad. But I know, and I’m jut going to be really honest here, there’s always going to be at least one woman who wants to be noticed. She may think it’s just cute or flattering, but she probably does know more is going on, so she is wearing revealing clothing which leaves very little to the imagination. I will notice her. I will simply say on behalf of 98% of men, she’s undeniably noticeable.
What do you mean, noticeable? I mean, notice-able. There may have been a gorilla running around the gym, a car might have crashed through the front door. Steven Harper might have walked in and started juggling cats and lit his hair on fire, and I could probably stay completely focused on my workout and never even notice- I have an incredible ability to focus and not let anything distract me- just ask my wife. But if a woman with a cropped shirt and low-rise pants with a thong riding high on her hips walks by, I will notice.
Now while noticing her is unavoidable, what remains is what I will do with that temptation. Since I now know she it there, what will I do with that awareness. After that unconscious intrusion, and really, it is, I have to make a conscious choice not to look, linger or dwell on that image. Which is why I have to be on guard. And why I have to then take responsibility for my actions. More on this later.
Second, even when no such eye magnet is present, each man has a visual Rolodex (or TVO) of stored images that can intrude into his thoughts without warning, or can be called up at will.
Shanti writes, not only will men notice, but that image will be seared into the hard drive of their memories forever. Men can recall with vivid clarity, with frightening clarity, the images of the female form that we have been exposed or have exposed ourselves to. On man simply wrote, “I have an unending supply of images in my head stretching back to my teens.”
And here’s what I add to Shanti’s research- a part of us falls in love. We, men, fall in love a little bit with that video or that magazine or that image, or that exchange, and it messes us up. We give a little bit of our heart, our love away. The relationship doesn’t go anywhere. And the more we are exposed to and expose ourselves to, the more of our love we are giving away, the more we are threatening what God intended to happen in our lives and in our relationships and it is simply this: that we see our wife naked for the first time on our wedding night in the context of marriage and we fall in love. The man is designed visually to look at his bride, to see her, and to be completely captivated, completely head over heels, completely in love. And when it happens that way, in that order, it creates a bond that goes on for there to serve, to guard, to enliven, to bless a marriage for years and even decades to come. The love that can happen on a wedding night that can bond a couple together for a life time.
This has some very important implications.
Young men, you are visual. Here is my verse for you: Job 31:1 I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully on a woman.
You are visual. This is the temptation for you. There’s a break in the cup that hold love inside of you and you will ALWAYS be tempted to fill that cup up with visually erotic images. You will fill your cup with looking, but it won’t fix the cracks or fill the hole in your heart. You will fill your cup with the images that give you a moment of pleasure and that somehow seem to bring love into your heart, but even as you are looking, its like they are already spilling out onto the ground. Your heart will still ache for, and more and more until it becomes and addiction, until you are so desensitized you can’t even find the images to stir you, your hard wiring will be so messed up you will have threatened your ability to look at and love your wife and be satisfied in her and her alone. You are created as a visual being, and you are broken, and you will always be tempted to try and fix that break with the images you so desire.
Don’t fill your mind with images. Don’t start to give away your love to video, pictures, or weekend hookups. You will notice and look at women. You will feel enliven by sexually charged images. You will feel the endorphin rush. You will feel stimulated and awakened. You will notice and you will look- it is how you are wired. You don’t have a choice.
But you have a choice in what you will do with that look. Will that look lead to lust? Will that temptation lead to decisions that lead to sin? We are all tempted. Jesus was tempted. You will be tempted. What will you do with that? Make a covenant with your eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. Get rid of the magazines, get rid of the videos, if you are sexually active and not married, get out of the relationship or get married. Get rid of your TV and Internet. I did not have a TV of Internet before I got married. I kept them out of my house so I wouldn’t even be tempted and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. You will never regret making a decision that saves you before the temptation even hits. Save yourself from yourself because we really should know this about ourselves.
If you have a problem with this get on a program that creates real accountability. Not some lame group of guys who get together and lie to each other about how holy they are. Go to xxxchurch.com and sign up for the programs the monitors every web page you view and sign up your mother as your partner, because the last thing any guys wants to for his mom to know what he looks at because all moms are sweet and innocent and would probably faint if they even knew sex existed (Joking!). Get help, get pure, make a covenant, because here the thing: YOUR visual design was given to you by God and it can actually be a blessing in your life and in your marriage!
Save your visualizations for your wedding night. Save yourself so that the night she undresses and gives herself to you, and you to her, that you fall in love in a way deeper and more wonderful than you’ve ever know or ever thought possible so that you end up saying wow, now she is flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone, we are as one! And I like what I see! I love what I see! You will fall in love with her, and you will fall in love with her over and over and over again, as you grow old together. For at every stage and age she will be your visual. She will be your benchmark of beauty.
Women, I want you to understand this about men. And I want your help. 1 Timothy 2: 9 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety...
Women, there is a break in the cup that holds love inside of you too. And we’ll talk more about that next Sunday. But because you have a longing and ache for love inside of you, you will be tempted to feed into this male desire in ways that degrade both yourselves, and men.
We want to celebrate your beauty in the right way, in the right context. Help us. We are visual. We will literally fall in love with your image. Help us from ourselves and dress modestly. You don’t have to wear a snowmobile outfit or dress like the Michelin tire woman, but don’t make us notice you for the wrong reason. You only degrade yourself, and mess us up. You only become one more image in the vault. Save yourself for your man, for your wedding night knowing this- he will fall in love with you at a level deeper than he has ever known before.
Women, knowing that men are visual, knowing that we love your image puts you in the position of power. And you need to embrace and be empowered by this. Women, you need to get confident in this before and after marriage. I’m going to throw a few things out here, some of which might be controversial, but all of which I believe bears to the truth of the bible, and the truth of our experience.
First, we now know this- men are created visual. What then is good for the man- seeing his wife naked. If he is visual, if he is going to be visual and nothing can change that, embrace it. In fact, embrace it as a God given gift that he will love visualizing you. Don’t let other women become his visualization. Keep bringing him back to the wedding night, keep him falling in love all over again. He longs to see you. Keep the lights on. Give him the eye candy. He wants it, he can find it in one click on the Internet, but he wants it from you even more.
You want to know why he's so happy to light about 50 candles in the bedroom? It's not because he's romantic, it's because he wants to see you!
I fully realize this has many implications. It may mean the both or you have to work through some bad advice or ideas you were given early in life. At one extreme it means we save the visual for marriage. At the other end it means that we free ourselves to embrace the visual in marriage. It may mean you have to work through some issues of body image. I means you will have to become comfortable with yourself at a deeper level. It may mean getting some help, some counseling.
It will DEFINITELY mean a lot to talking. It will mean really improving your communication. But you will find he really thinks you’re pretty awesome, or he wouldn’t have married you in the first place. You’ll find out he doesn’t expect you to look like a cartoon character. You’ll find out the things that you don’t like about yourself don’t really bother him. You’ll find out he’s a dog, OK. You’ll find out just how visual he is, and you’ll be shocked and horrified. Then it will click for you- but maybe, maybe, all of that can be focused on…me! He thinks about me that much, he thinks I’m that beautiful, he wants me all the time, he thinks I can basically do no wrong. You will be empowered in your relationship when you begin get this.
Second- take care of you. Now don't read any more or less into that- take care of YOU.
Now let me be very clear on this- I am NOT saying make yourself someone else- I’m saying take care of who you are. Be the best you that God made you to be- your man will love that, and I really think you will love that too! Men want women to know this so badly but our culture doesn’t let us say it- please just take care of yourself- it says you care for us. It’s a strange weird wonderful way that God has made most men. When you take care of yourself, when you look your best- again, not someone else’s best, your man directly interprets that as you caring for and loving him. It's part of being in the one flesh relationship- when he perceives you are taking care of you, he actually interprets it as taking care of him.
Here’s what you need to know- men don’t compare women to other women nearly as much as women compare themselves to other women. When we look, because we visual and we look, we aren’t comparing. We are looking and locked into that moment. We really are. We are lost in that moment. We are fully present. You really don’t have to worry that your husband is comparing- he’s still amazed that you actually married him!
Play this to your advantage. If taking care of yourself means pursing your hobby, do it. If it mean going to the gym, do it. If it means you need some nice new outfits instead of old sweats, go out and treat yourself. Your husband will make the time, pay the expense, do whatever it takes, because when you take care for yourself, you are saying to him- I care this much about you. And it totally works to your advantage.
Folks, I’m just preaching my life for you here- Robin and I had saved ourselves for marriage, as this is what we were taught this is the best way to do relationships and marriage and sex. Robin the only woman I’ve been with, she is the wife of my youth. I loved her when we were dating, and I loved her a little more when we got engaged, but when I saw her on our wedding night, when I saw her in that new way, it was new love at first sight. Robin revealed her self to me and gave her self to me I fell in love in a deeper way than I had ever know before. Because men are not just visual, we are so visual we will fall in love at first sight.
And it is still love at first sight. It is love at a level that she doesn’t understand. I’m serious. I say this to Robin all the time- I love you. And she’ll say I love you too. Then I’ll say, no it’s different, I love you! I love you the way a man loves a woman, and that’s something you just don’t understand. Then she laughs, and I laugh. But it’s true.
Because when I see her, something inside of me stirs. When I look at her, I start to feel alive. I can have the worst day of my life, but when I see her, it can make everything OK. When I gaze upon her, something in me awakes in a way that only a man knows, only a man loves. Because she is my standard for beauty. She is the one whom I have seen, whom I know, whom I desire. She knows she doesn’t have competing memories, or competing realities. She is my reality. She is my beauty.
Sometimes she catches me looking. I lie in bed at night, I always try to get into bed first, and I leave the lights on. And I’ll pretend to be reading a book. But when she comes in I’m watching her. But she doesn’t really mind, because I think after more than a decade of marriage she starting to finally get it- I'm falling in love with her again. And I really am. I see her and I am amazed. I am amazed that she gives herself to me. I am amazed that I get to call her my wife. I am amazed that we share the marriage bed. She’ll let me just soak her in, and I know you’ll think I’m totally crazy, but I’ll even think the words sometimes, "now this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. This is MY woman."
Women you want to know what’s good for men? Now don’t any of you misquote me in an incriminating way- but you want to know what ‘s good for men, right next to not being alone- seeing you. Men, you are visual- how are you going to use that in a way that glories God and honors women and serve your wife. Women, men are visual- how will you use that to glorify God, to honor men, and to serve your husband. Because folks, the man and the woman became husband and wife. They were both naked, and they were not ashamed. And speaking for men everywhere, I know, it was very, very good for Adam.
Recap of last week:
It is not good to be alone- so we must find out the ways to be good together. We must connect with the ones like us- we will talk about this in the context of sexual connection and marriage, but generally speaking, we must be with ones like us. We look for the one like us, the one that will complete us, the one that will help fill and heal that wound in our soul. And it’s there in that search, in finding the one like us, that this relational dynamic happens so often- we find the one like us in our brokenness. We are attracted, drawn, lead almost to ones that are like us- you pain is like my pain, your hurts are like my hurts, you addictions are like my addictions, you abuse, your trespasses, your violations, your hang-ups, are like mine- so maybe we can understand each other, maybe we can connect with each other, maybe even we can fix each other.
But as the song that Evan played for us taught, two broken, half empty cups pouring their lives into each other usually amounts to a lot of split love, love poured out, but never enough to fill us up. So we must go to the waterfall, we must go to God. We must get right with God, we must get in him, then we’ll have water pouring abundant. Then we’ll have something to offer someone else. Then we can be drawn to each other because we are alike in our healing, in our wholeness, in Christ. That when our connection with others is like magic.
Today I want to pick up right where we left off. Let’s just throw this idea out right now- men have to be tough guy loner types to be real men. No, tough guy loner types are men who are emotionally immature and don’t know how to have meaningful relationships so they put on the façade of being so cool they don’t need people, when really, on the inside, they are probably the saddest, loneliest, most broken men you know, and we must feel sorry and sad for them, and we must try to help them. They may have had bad role models as children, they may have had some traumatic experiences, they may have been violated in some way, perhaps they just had their heart broken. They did love, they gave away their heart, they had it handed back to them with a fork, and they were done.
But still- it is not good for the man to be alone, and when men are left alone too long, they get weird, and smelly and forget about personal hygiene and the most basic of grooming. I’m not saying you men need to man-scape, you just need to take of the basics. Even cats lick themselves clean! But men left alone get nasty- just nasty, like dogs rolling around in stink.
Men left alone with other men… get even worse. The things they should treat with modesty they begin to show off like a trophy. I’m telling you one of the most traumatic experiences of my life was freshmen year in a all male dorm. I felt dirty the moment I walked in. And yet, I felt strangely at home. Some of you guys living in apartments with a bunch of other guys- you’re nasty. You know who you are, and we know who you are- we can smell you a mile away. Febreeze is NOT a substitute for washing your clothes; more deodorant is NOT a substitute for bathing; underwear should NOT be an optional part of your wardrobe. If you have more questions, talk to me later.
Well, it’s not good to be alone, so going back to the story in Genesis 2, God parades all the creatures for Adam. None is LIKE him. He needs something that more like him, but not him. He is created in the image of a loving God who exists in a loving communion- Father, Son, Holy Spirit. He needs a relationship like that. God puts him into the deep sleep, he takes a rib, makes the woman. God brings her to the man, and picking up the story, as the man now looks upon the woman for the first time, he says this… Genesis 2:23-25
This is the trajectory for most people. Grow up, leave home, find a spouse, have sex, make babies. BUT not everyone follows this trajectory. Some are too young to be married yet. Some are called to be single. Some have not been taught this trajectory so they haven’t followed this course in their relationships. Some have had this trajectory taken from them, and they too must find their way back. We will be addressing some of those things, but today, we are dealing with this most normative trajectory, and we are looking at it from the man’s point of view.
Now take note of this- this one observation has served to encourage me more than anything else. The man and the woman have not talked. They have not shared one word. Adam looks at her, and with only that he falls in love. He is so taken, so smitten; he begins to spontaneously spout out poetry. Flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones! The dude has it bad- he has it bad for her simply because he looked at her. He saw her naked form, and without shame he was ready to give his life to her. He wanted her! But not just that, he loved her. He was ready to make a lifelong commitment.
So here’s the answer to the age-old question- Is it possible to fall in love at first sight? Absolutely. In fact, for the man, for the way we men are wired, we can and do fall in love at first sight. In fact, what we will discover, falling in love at first sight is NORMAL for men.
Here’s the truth- every man in the world- your son, your boyfriend, your husband, your father, your grandfather, your neighbor- every guy sitting here fell in love at first sight. We fell in love with the first naked woman we saw in picture or video or in our first sexual encounter.
No, I’m am not crazy- I am being honest, and I am looking at the creation story, and I am just putting the two together. Men are designed, wired, created to fall in love visually. This is before the fall; this is before anything bad has happen, before sin is a part of the picture. Men are created as high visual beings- stimulated, enlivened, aroused, emotionally engaged, through simply seeing the naked female body. We get an endorphin rush just at the sight of a woman. The male design to be visual is how we are created, and therefore, something to be embrace and used for God’s glory and our mutual blessing. But sadly, in a fallen world, it has been distorted into destructive and dehumanizing behaviors.
This requires some unpacking. Let me tell you where were going with this:
- Men are created visual, this is not a design flaw.
- This mean that today’s culture presents some struggles which are destroying many young men’s lives- the process of falling in love, marrying, having sex, is being short circuited, and it is messing young men up, messing relationships up.
- Thus, this has implications for how young men should guard their lives.
- It has implications for how women conduct themselves.
- And ultimately how this can be one of the most incredible blessings in the marriage relationship.
You’ve probably all heard this- men are visual. But a recent book brilliantly asks the question, what does that even mean? Shanti Feldhahn wrote a book called For Women Only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men. Pick it up, read it, review it, apply it. She wrote with her husband then, For Men Only: a straightforward guide to the inner lives of women. I give this my highest recommendation too. I will refer to both of these books liberally the next few weeks.
She writes a chapter called the keeper of the visual Rolodex. She should have called it the keeper of the visual TVO. Because the visualization that men experience and live with is stored on the hard drive of our minds, vivid, in color, and replay able at any time. This is almost universally applicable to men. In her research she discovers what men have always known but now we are able to talk about. She writes, “Even happily married men are instinctively pulled to visually “consume” attractive women. And these images can be just as alluring whether they are live or recollected.”
She goes on to discern two things about this that she as a woman didn’t get before: First, men can’t not want to look. A woman who is dressed to show off her body is an eye magnet that is almost impossible to ignore, and even if a man forces himself not to look, he is actively aware of her presence.
So what does this actually mean? Ladies, it’s going to have to get worse before it gets better. Let me put this as bluntly and as personally as possible. I like to exercise. The weather sucks in Ontario half the year. I go to a gym. I literally have to spiritually prepare myself every time I go into that gym. So men may not have this problem (2%), some men I know have actually quit going to gyms its so bad. But I know, and I’m jut going to be really honest here, there’s always going to be at least one woman who wants to be noticed. She may think it’s just cute or flattering, but she probably does know more is going on, so she is wearing revealing clothing which leaves very little to the imagination. I will notice her. I will simply say on behalf of 98% of men, she’s undeniably noticeable.
What do you mean, noticeable? I mean, notice-able. There may have been a gorilla running around the gym, a car might have crashed through the front door. Steven Harper might have walked in and started juggling cats and lit his hair on fire, and I could probably stay completely focused on my workout and never even notice- I have an incredible ability to focus and not let anything distract me- just ask my wife. But if a woman with a cropped shirt and low-rise pants with a thong riding high on her hips walks by, I will notice.
Now while noticing her is unavoidable, what remains is what I will do with that temptation. Since I now know she it there, what will I do with that awareness. After that unconscious intrusion, and really, it is, I have to make a conscious choice not to look, linger or dwell on that image. Which is why I have to be on guard. And why I have to then take responsibility for my actions. More on this later.
Second, even when no such eye magnet is present, each man has a visual Rolodex (or TVO) of stored images that can intrude into his thoughts without warning, or can be called up at will.
Shanti writes, not only will men notice, but that image will be seared into the hard drive of their memories forever. Men can recall with vivid clarity, with frightening clarity, the images of the female form that we have been exposed or have exposed ourselves to. On man simply wrote, “I have an unending supply of images in my head stretching back to my teens.”
And here’s what I add to Shanti’s research- a part of us falls in love. We, men, fall in love a little bit with that video or that magazine or that image, or that exchange, and it messes us up. We give a little bit of our heart, our love away. The relationship doesn’t go anywhere. And the more we are exposed to and expose ourselves to, the more of our love we are giving away, the more we are threatening what God intended to happen in our lives and in our relationships and it is simply this: that we see our wife naked for the first time on our wedding night in the context of marriage and we fall in love. The man is designed visually to look at his bride, to see her, and to be completely captivated, completely head over heels, completely in love. And when it happens that way, in that order, it creates a bond that goes on for there to serve, to guard, to enliven, to bless a marriage for years and even decades to come. The love that can happen on a wedding night that can bond a couple together for a life time.
This has some very important implications.
Young men, you are visual. Here is my verse for you: Job 31:1 I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully on a woman.
You are visual. This is the temptation for you. There’s a break in the cup that hold love inside of you and you will ALWAYS be tempted to fill that cup up with visually erotic images. You will fill your cup with looking, but it won’t fix the cracks or fill the hole in your heart. You will fill your cup with the images that give you a moment of pleasure and that somehow seem to bring love into your heart, but even as you are looking, its like they are already spilling out onto the ground. Your heart will still ache for, and more and more until it becomes and addiction, until you are so desensitized you can’t even find the images to stir you, your hard wiring will be so messed up you will have threatened your ability to look at and love your wife and be satisfied in her and her alone. You are created as a visual being, and you are broken, and you will always be tempted to try and fix that break with the images you so desire.
Don’t fill your mind with images. Don’t start to give away your love to video, pictures, or weekend hookups. You will notice and look at women. You will feel enliven by sexually charged images. You will feel the endorphin rush. You will feel stimulated and awakened. You will notice and you will look- it is how you are wired. You don’t have a choice.
But you have a choice in what you will do with that look. Will that look lead to lust? Will that temptation lead to decisions that lead to sin? We are all tempted. Jesus was tempted. You will be tempted. What will you do with that? Make a covenant with your eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. Get rid of the magazines, get rid of the videos, if you are sexually active and not married, get out of the relationship or get married. Get rid of your TV and Internet. I did not have a TV of Internet before I got married. I kept them out of my house so I wouldn’t even be tempted and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. You will never regret making a decision that saves you before the temptation even hits. Save yourself from yourself because we really should know this about ourselves.
If you have a problem with this get on a program that creates real accountability. Not some lame group of guys who get together and lie to each other about how holy they are. Go to xxxchurch.com and sign up for the programs the monitors every web page you view and sign up your mother as your partner, because the last thing any guys wants to for his mom to know what he looks at because all moms are sweet and innocent and would probably faint if they even knew sex existed (Joking!). Get help, get pure, make a covenant, because here the thing: YOUR visual design was given to you by God and it can actually be a blessing in your life and in your marriage!
Save your visualizations for your wedding night. Save yourself so that the night she undresses and gives herself to you, and you to her, that you fall in love in a way deeper and more wonderful than you’ve ever know or ever thought possible so that you end up saying wow, now she is flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone, we are as one! And I like what I see! I love what I see! You will fall in love with her, and you will fall in love with her over and over and over again, as you grow old together. For at every stage and age she will be your visual. She will be your benchmark of beauty.
Women, I want you to understand this about men. And I want your help. 1 Timothy 2: 9 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety...
Women, there is a break in the cup that holds love inside of you too. And we’ll talk more about that next Sunday. But because you have a longing and ache for love inside of you, you will be tempted to feed into this male desire in ways that degrade both yourselves, and men.
We want to celebrate your beauty in the right way, in the right context. Help us. We are visual. We will literally fall in love with your image. Help us from ourselves and dress modestly. You don’t have to wear a snowmobile outfit or dress like the Michelin tire woman, but don’t make us notice you for the wrong reason. You only degrade yourself, and mess us up. You only become one more image in the vault. Save yourself for your man, for your wedding night knowing this- he will fall in love with you at a level deeper than he has ever known before.
Women, knowing that men are visual, knowing that we love your image puts you in the position of power. And you need to embrace and be empowered by this. Women, you need to get confident in this before and after marriage. I’m going to throw a few things out here, some of which might be controversial, but all of which I believe bears to the truth of the bible, and the truth of our experience.
First, we now know this- men are created visual. What then is good for the man- seeing his wife naked. If he is visual, if he is going to be visual and nothing can change that, embrace it. In fact, embrace it as a God given gift that he will love visualizing you. Don’t let other women become his visualization. Keep bringing him back to the wedding night, keep him falling in love all over again. He longs to see you. Keep the lights on. Give him the eye candy. He wants it, he can find it in one click on the Internet, but he wants it from you even more.
You want to know why he's so happy to light about 50 candles in the bedroom? It's not because he's romantic, it's because he wants to see you!
I fully realize this has many implications. It may mean the both or you have to work through some bad advice or ideas you were given early in life. At one extreme it means we save the visual for marriage. At the other end it means that we free ourselves to embrace the visual in marriage. It may mean you have to work through some issues of body image. I means you will have to become comfortable with yourself at a deeper level. It may mean getting some help, some counseling.
It will DEFINITELY mean a lot to talking. It will mean really improving your communication. But you will find he really thinks you’re pretty awesome, or he wouldn’t have married you in the first place. You’ll find out he doesn’t expect you to look like a cartoon character. You’ll find out the things that you don’t like about yourself don’t really bother him. You’ll find out he’s a dog, OK. You’ll find out just how visual he is, and you’ll be shocked and horrified. Then it will click for you- but maybe, maybe, all of that can be focused on…me! He thinks about me that much, he thinks I’m that beautiful, he wants me all the time, he thinks I can basically do no wrong. You will be empowered in your relationship when you begin get this.
Second- take care of you. Now don't read any more or less into that- take care of YOU.
Now let me be very clear on this- I am NOT saying make yourself someone else- I’m saying take care of who you are. Be the best you that God made you to be- your man will love that, and I really think you will love that too! Men want women to know this so badly but our culture doesn’t let us say it- please just take care of yourself- it says you care for us. It’s a strange weird wonderful way that God has made most men. When you take care of yourself, when you look your best- again, not someone else’s best, your man directly interprets that as you caring for and loving him. It's part of being in the one flesh relationship- when he perceives you are taking care of you, he actually interprets it as taking care of him.
Here’s what you need to know- men don’t compare women to other women nearly as much as women compare themselves to other women. When we look, because we visual and we look, we aren’t comparing. We are looking and locked into that moment. We really are. We are lost in that moment. We are fully present. You really don’t have to worry that your husband is comparing- he’s still amazed that you actually married him!
Play this to your advantage. If taking care of yourself means pursing your hobby, do it. If it mean going to the gym, do it. If it means you need some nice new outfits instead of old sweats, go out and treat yourself. Your husband will make the time, pay the expense, do whatever it takes, because when you take care for yourself, you are saying to him- I care this much about you. And it totally works to your advantage.
Folks, I’m just preaching my life for you here- Robin and I had saved ourselves for marriage, as this is what we were taught this is the best way to do relationships and marriage and sex. Robin the only woman I’ve been with, she is the wife of my youth. I loved her when we were dating, and I loved her a little more when we got engaged, but when I saw her on our wedding night, when I saw her in that new way, it was new love at first sight. Robin revealed her self to me and gave her self to me I fell in love in a deeper way than I had ever know before. Because men are not just visual, we are so visual we will fall in love at first sight.
And it is still love at first sight. It is love at a level that she doesn’t understand. I’m serious. I say this to Robin all the time- I love you. And she’ll say I love you too. Then I’ll say, no it’s different, I love you! I love you the way a man loves a woman, and that’s something you just don’t understand. Then she laughs, and I laugh. But it’s true.
Because when I see her, something inside of me stirs. When I look at her, I start to feel alive. I can have the worst day of my life, but when I see her, it can make everything OK. When I gaze upon her, something in me awakes in a way that only a man knows, only a man loves. Because she is my standard for beauty. She is the one whom I have seen, whom I know, whom I desire. She knows she doesn’t have competing memories, or competing realities. She is my reality. She is my beauty.
Sometimes she catches me looking. I lie in bed at night, I always try to get into bed first, and I leave the lights on. And I’ll pretend to be reading a book. But when she comes in I’m watching her. But she doesn’t really mind, because I think after more than a decade of marriage she starting to finally get it- I'm falling in love with her again. And I really am. I see her and I am amazed. I am amazed that she gives herself to me. I am amazed that I get to call her my wife. I am amazed that we share the marriage bed. She’ll let me just soak her in, and I know you’ll think I’m totally crazy, but I’ll even think the words sometimes, "now this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. This is MY woman."
Women you want to know what’s good for men? Now don’t any of you misquote me in an incriminating way- but you want to know what ‘s good for men, right next to not being alone- seeing you. Men, you are visual- how are you going to use that in a way that glories God and honors women and serve your wife. Women, men are visual- how will you use that to glorify God, to honor men, and to serve your husband. Because folks, the man and the woman became husband and wife. They were both naked, and they were not ashamed. And speaking for men everywhere, I know, it was very, very good for Adam.
Monday, March 2, 2009
It's not good to be alone...
Folks, here’s the scoop- it is not good to be alone. It is good to be with others. To know others, to be known by others. We all need relationships. We all have needs. We all have desires. I’m not talking about sex…yet. We’ll get to that. I’m talking about our relationships. We don’t just desire good relationships, we have a need for relationships in our life that are good- good for you, good for me, good for us, even good for others.
All of us seem to have this internal mechanism that functions to make us actually care about other people. I am amazed, to be perfectly honest, not at the level of selfishness that I see in the world and in relationships. I am amazed, time and time again, that most people, most of the time, seem to spend most of their time and energy and emotion trying to be good to other people. I am amazed that for so many for so much of the time, the questions that haunts them are the questions regarding their own ability to please, to satisfy, to help and support and care for others. I am amazing and profoundly encouraged at this amazing human capacity to actually be other-centered and to constantly be asking the question, was it good for you?
We’ve had this conversation, or have heard others having it: What do you want to do tonight? I don’t know, what do you want to do? Well, I want to do what you want to do. Well I want to do what will make you happy. Well what will make me happy is doing what you want to do. You’ve heard people have this kind of conversation. You’ve probably had that conversation. When you pick that apart, when you scratch the surface of that conversation, it really is an amazing exchange that is happening. One person is telling another person, what would be the most satisfying, fulfilling and fun thing for me to do at this moment is to see you being completely satisfied and fulfilled. It’s an amazing exchange.
Think about it- why, biologically speaking, would we care so much about pleasing others? Why? I’m not talking about the simple cost/benefit analysis of nature. The “I scratch your back, you scratch mine,” approach to life and relationships. I’m not even talking about the “raise kids so the kids can take care of you when you’re older” nature of biology. I’m talking about the emotional desire to be good and pleasing to another person. I’m talking about a desire that goes deeper than emotion. A hunger, a craving, to actually get beyond ourselves and to look to another person’s health and happiness and blessing and benefit beyond our own. What compels us to live like that for another?
Let me cut to the chase- because we are made in the image, in the likeness, of a loving, giving, serving God who exists in a relationship of loving communion. We are made to exist in that communion- a relationship with God, with the creation, and with one another. Therefore, we can never be fully alive, fully complete, fully happy or satisfied alone. We need to be in GOOD relationships.
This is the story of the first chapter of Genesis. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Out of nothing, ex nihilo, God made something. At first the something was chaotic, it was formless and dark. But God began bringing order, design, and purpose into existence.
In an amazing display of eco-engineering, God created everything in such a way to support and sustain his purpose and plans- everything was made in the context of a relationship. Take away one day in the creation story, and the line of dominoes stops. But drop them all into place and the result is dynamic, the result is life. He makes the atmosphere, he makes the earth, he makes the air, he makes the water, he makes the land. He fills the atmosphere, he fills the sky and sea, finally, he fills the land. He fills the land with plants and animals. And everything, everything up until now, is good.
It is good what God has done. It is good how God has done it. It is good, because God is good and can only do good things. This is why Jesus will say in his ministry that only God is good, completely good, flawlessly good.
God has done good, but he’s saved the best for last. God begins speaking with himself. Not to himself, mind you, God is not the crazy old man walking down the street carrying on a conversation with the voices in his head. God has a dialogue- the father, the son, the Holy Spirit. God says let us make man in our image- male and female, God makes humans.
I remember a seminary prof being very excited about this from a comparative-religion point of view. In the ancient near east the gods of the people demanded to be worshiped, and the way they were worshiped was to make idols, image bearers, who would be venerated, celebrated, appeased. They were literally gods in a box- contained, kept, and controlled through religious practice.
Our God told a different story. My image cannot be carved in marble or stone. My image cannot be captured in silver or gold. My image is too wonderful, to glorious, too dynamic, too real to ever be found in an inanimate object. No, my image will be found in people, in men and in women. Men and women will be my representatives to the earth, and to one another. So then they will look upon each other and they will see my image reflected back to each other. You have never looked at a human being and not seen something of the image of God- in your mothers eyes, in the you your own children’s resemblance to you. In every addict, every baby, every Canadian, every derelict, every enemy, every friend. You have never looked at a person and not seen the image of God.
And conversely, and why it is NOT good to be alone, you cannot see the image of God anywhere else. You cannot see the image of God in anything but another person. You can see the work of God, the beauty of God, the hand of God in mountain or an ocean, a sunrise or sunset. You can see what God has done and thus see and understand something more about his glory, his majesty, is very nature and being. But still, you cannot see his image except in other people. If you cut yourself off from others, you are cut off from the image of God, and you and thus incomplete, alone, disconnected.
And so it is not good to be alone because outside of relationships with others we are profoundly disconnected from ourselves. We are cut of from the fellow image-bearers of God, and when that is missing, we lose ourselves.
But the story isn’t over. God goes deeper in chapter 2. He will explain to us what it means to be his image bearers to creation and each other.
God makes the man from the dust of the ground. He forms Adam from the earth. The two are inextricably tied- Adam to the adamah. But then he does something different, something new. He breathes life into the man. He puts his spirit, his image, into the man.
But then the first “not good” appears. It’s not good because it’s not complete. Like a story without closure, like an artist that knows something is still missing before the masterpiece is complete, God says, something is not good her. It is not good for the man to be alone.
God’s image was incomplete. There was no other for Adam. So in a hilarious parade of animals Adam examines every living creature, looking for the one that will complete him, the one that is like him, yet different from him. He names every creature God created- every bird, all the livestock, all the wild animals, everything. And surprise, no suitable helper was found to complete Adam. Everything was too different. Not enough likeness. Nothing he saw seemed to bear God’s image as he did.
It says next that God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep because now god was going to do something new once again. A new way of creating, a unique way of creating that would never be repeated. It was reserved for this one occasion, for this one relationship. It would be a way of creating that would then bear implications on our image, and on our relationships. God took from the man a rib, and from that rib created the woman. Man from earth, Adam from Adamah, woman from man. They sound alike in Hebrew, and in English. The relationship, the connection, is undeniable.
AS this text has been around for millennium, many have reflected on what it means. Of all the bones in the body, why did God take the rib? That starts to make sense when we read and study the rest of the bible and we are told over and over and over again to guard our hearts. A solder is given a breastplate to wear because it is vitally important to guard the heart. We are told to guard our hearts spiritually, for out of the heart flows all the life of a person- all their thoughts, all their words, all their deeds. So we guard and protect our heart. We must give our heart to God and worship him with all our heart. When God wants to know who we are, he looks to the heart.
So why, of all bones in the body, does God go for the rib? Why not a bone from our head, most men don’t seem to use their brain anyways? Why not a bone from our foot, then we could sit around and be waited on? Why does God go into that place and rip it open to make a woman? He is going for the heart. Every man has had his chest opened up and his heart exposed. Every woman feels deeply connected and a part of this humanity. Every person is born into the world as an image bearers God, made to know and be known by God, made to know and be known by other people.
And so there is one thing worse than having our chest ripped open and our hearts made vulnerable to the world, and really,vulnerable to another. And that is to be alone.
The worst thing is to be alone.
The worst thing is to have our hearts wrapped up behind our ribs, behind our armor, behind our work, behind our sarcasm, behind our busyness, behind our pursuit of pleasure, behind our fun and games. The worst thing is to have our hearts kept behind layers and layers and layers of protection, and to be alone.
It is not good to be alone. AND BECAUSE IT”S NOT GOOD TO BE ALONE we do wonderful, and horrible things.
We do wonderful, caring, loving, selfless, giving amazing things because we were made in the image of a God who says it’s not good to be alone. We write love songs and sing them to the woman who has captured our heart. We make ourselves beautiful and desirable to the one who loves us. We will work and toil to provide for our family. We care for our children, and our children care for us. We will stand alongside of a neighbor in their darkest hour. We stand in solidarity with others, we care for the orphans and the widows, the hungry and the homeless. We will do wonderful things our of this God given need to not be alone, because it’s not good to be alone, and because we will want to do good for others, for our fellow image bearers.
But sometimes we’ll do horrible things because of our loneliness. We do horrible things to try and satisfy our need for relationship, for connection. A man will use his strength over a woman to try and satisfy the lust of his eyes. He will take what was not his to take, and in the process he will even lose another part of himself. A woman will sell herself by the hour, using what she has, to gain what she doesn’t have, destroying a part of herself each time. A couple will create a co-dependent relationship, playing off of each other deepest needs, and deepest fears. A parent will hold the heart of their child captive because they don’t know how to let go. A boy will look at page after page of pornography trying the find the image that will suddenly make him feel alive. A girl will read magazine after magazine trying to find the secret code to break the grip loneliness. A friend will hold his or her friends captive to with their threats.
It is not good to be alone, and yet sometimes we don’t know how to be together. It’s not good to be alone, but we don’t know how to make together good either.
I’ve asked Evan to sing us a song- a song that a friend played for me in college, and when I heard this song, it was one of those moments where you thought the guy must have read your mind. It was one of those songs that has never left me because it came at the time when I needed it most. It made perfect sense of the struggles that I had faced in relationships, and the solution that I knew I had to pursue. I hope I haven’t set the bar too high, but I think for some of you, this is just the song you need to hear today…
Break In The Cup
Break in the Cup, David Wilcox
I try so hard to please you
To be the love that fills you up
I try to pour on sweet affection,
But I think you got a broken cup
Because you can't believe I love you
I try to tell you that there is no doubt,
But as soon as I fill you with all I've got
That little break will let it run right out
I cannot make you happy
I'm learning love and money never do
But I can pour myself out 'til I'm empty
Trying to be just who you'd want me to.
But I cannot make you happy
Even though our love is true
For there's a break in the cup that holds love
Inside of you
Now I begin to understand you
As you explain this fear you feel
It's when you see me fall into that sorrow
it makes you doubt the love is real
'Cause the lonely wind still blows through me
I turn away so you can't see
But now how could I still be so empty
With all this love that you pour on me.
I guess you cannot make me happy
That's a money back guarantee.
But you can pour yourself out 'til you're empty
Trying to be just who I'd want you to be
You cannot make me happy
It's just the law of gravity
And that break in the cup that holds love,
Inside of me.
So if you're tempted to rescue me
Drowning in this quicksand up to my neck
Before you grab my hand to save me
Why don't you ask me if I'm finished yet.
Because you cannot make me happy
Not when I'm empty inside of me
But you can pull yourself right in here with me
My misery'd love to have your company.
We cannot trade empty for empty
We must go to the waterfall
For there's a break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love,
Inside us all. Inside us all
If we are not going to be alone, and make it work, we must first go somewhere else. We must go to the waterfall. The never-ending source of water. Because when you are standing in the downpour of a waterfall, it doesn’t matter so much how broken you are anymore. That water just keeps on coming. It keeps on coming and coming, cleaning us and filling us up.
When I got that, when I got it, that I could spend my whole life looking for others to pour into me, or I could look to God to pour into me, I got it friends. I got it. It got that I had to get right with God first. I got that I had to get into the waterfall before I got into any other relationship. I got that I would always be a broken cup, about half full, looking to other to fill me up, or I could be a broken cup, (I’m still a bit broken folks) in the waterfall, and I could find someone else in that same waterfall. That’s what it looks like to be in a good relationship. That’s what it look like to know and be known and to never be alone.
And while this series will focus on focus on male female relationships the next few weeks, this stuff applies to everyone. This sets the foundation. This is about saying it’s not good to be alone in the world, but if I’m going to have good, giving, serving, caring, compassionate relationships, I have to get into the waterfall. I have to go to the source.
All of us seem to have this internal mechanism that functions to make us actually care about other people. I am amazed, to be perfectly honest, not at the level of selfishness that I see in the world and in relationships. I am amazed, time and time again, that most people, most of the time, seem to spend most of their time and energy and emotion trying to be good to other people. I am amazed that for so many for so much of the time, the questions that haunts them are the questions regarding their own ability to please, to satisfy, to help and support and care for others. I am amazing and profoundly encouraged at this amazing human capacity to actually be other-centered and to constantly be asking the question, was it good for you?
We’ve had this conversation, or have heard others having it: What do you want to do tonight? I don’t know, what do you want to do? Well, I want to do what you want to do. Well I want to do what will make you happy. Well what will make me happy is doing what you want to do. You’ve heard people have this kind of conversation. You’ve probably had that conversation. When you pick that apart, when you scratch the surface of that conversation, it really is an amazing exchange that is happening. One person is telling another person, what would be the most satisfying, fulfilling and fun thing for me to do at this moment is to see you being completely satisfied and fulfilled. It’s an amazing exchange.
Think about it- why, biologically speaking, would we care so much about pleasing others? Why? I’m not talking about the simple cost/benefit analysis of nature. The “I scratch your back, you scratch mine,” approach to life and relationships. I’m not even talking about the “raise kids so the kids can take care of you when you’re older” nature of biology. I’m talking about the emotional desire to be good and pleasing to another person. I’m talking about a desire that goes deeper than emotion. A hunger, a craving, to actually get beyond ourselves and to look to another person’s health and happiness and blessing and benefit beyond our own. What compels us to live like that for another?
Let me cut to the chase- because we are made in the image, in the likeness, of a loving, giving, serving God who exists in a relationship of loving communion. We are made to exist in that communion- a relationship with God, with the creation, and with one another. Therefore, we can never be fully alive, fully complete, fully happy or satisfied alone. We need to be in GOOD relationships.
This is the story of the first chapter of Genesis. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Out of nothing, ex nihilo, God made something. At first the something was chaotic, it was formless and dark. But God began bringing order, design, and purpose into existence.
In an amazing display of eco-engineering, God created everything in such a way to support and sustain his purpose and plans- everything was made in the context of a relationship. Take away one day in the creation story, and the line of dominoes stops. But drop them all into place and the result is dynamic, the result is life. He makes the atmosphere, he makes the earth, he makes the air, he makes the water, he makes the land. He fills the atmosphere, he fills the sky and sea, finally, he fills the land. He fills the land with plants and animals. And everything, everything up until now, is good.
It is good what God has done. It is good how God has done it. It is good, because God is good and can only do good things. This is why Jesus will say in his ministry that only God is good, completely good, flawlessly good.
God has done good, but he’s saved the best for last. God begins speaking with himself. Not to himself, mind you, God is not the crazy old man walking down the street carrying on a conversation with the voices in his head. God has a dialogue- the father, the son, the Holy Spirit. God says let us make man in our image- male and female, God makes humans.
I remember a seminary prof being very excited about this from a comparative-religion point of view. In the ancient near east the gods of the people demanded to be worshiped, and the way they were worshiped was to make idols, image bearers, who would be venerated, celebrated, appeased. They were literally gods in a box- contained, kept, and controlled through religious practice.
Our God told a different story. My image cannot be carved in marble or stone. My image cannot be captured in silver or gold. My image is too wonderful, to glorious, too dynamic, too real to ever be found in an inanimate object. No, my image will be found in people, in men and in women. Men and women will be my representatives to the earth, and to one another. So then they will look upon each other and they will see my image reflected back to each other. You have never looked at a human being and not seen something of the image of God- in your mothers eyes, in the you your own children’s resemblance to you. In every addict, every baby, every Canadian, every derelict, every enemy, every friend. You have never looked at a person and not seen the image of God.
And conversely, and why it is NOT good to be alone, you cannot see the image of God anywhere else. You cannot see the image of God in anything but another person. You can see the work of God, the beauty of God, the hand of God in mountain or an ocean, a sunrise or sunset. You can see what God has done and thus see and understand something more about his glory, his majesty, is very nature and being. But still, you cannot see his image except in other people. If you cut yourself off from others, you are cut off from the image of God, and you and thus incomplete, alone, disconnected.
And so it is not good to be alone because outside of relationships with others we are profoundly disconnected from ourselves. We are cut of from the fellow image-bearers of God, and when that is missing, we lose ourselves.
But the story isn’t over. God goes deeper in chapter 2. He will explain to us what it means to be his image bearers to creation and each other.
God makes the man from the dust of the ground. He forms Adam from the earth. The two are inextricably tied- Adam to the adamah. But then he does something different, something new. He breathes life into the man. He puts his spirit, his image, into the man.
But then the first “not good” appears. It’s not good because it’s not complete. Like a story without closure, like an artist that knows something is still missing before the masterpiece is complete, God says, something is not good her. It is not good for the man to be alone.
God’s image was incomplete. There was no other for Adam. So in a hilarious parade of animals Adam examines every living creature, looking for the one that will complete him, the one that is like him, yet different from him. He names every creature God created- every bird, all the livestock, all the wild animals, everything. And surprise, no suitable helper was found to complete Adam. Everything was too different. Not enough likeness. Nothing he saw seemed to bear God’s image as he did.
It says next that God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep because now god was going to do something new once again. A new way of creating, a unique way of creating that would never be repeated. It was reserved for this one occasion, for this one relationship. It would be a way of creating that would then bear implications on our image, and on our relationships. God took from the man a rib, and from that rib created the woman. Man from earth, Adam from Adamah, woman from man. They sound alike in Hebrew, and in English. The relationship, the connection, is undeniable.
AS this text has been around for millennium, many have reflected on what it means. Of all the bones in the body, why did God take the rib? That starts to make sense when we read and study the rest of the bible and we are told over and over and over again to guard our hearts. A solder is given a breastplate to wear because it is vitally important to guard the heart. We are told to guard our hearts spiritually, for out of the heart flows all the life of a person- all their thoughts, all their words, all their deeds. So we guard and protect our heart. We must give our heart to God and worship him with all our heart. When God wants to know who we are, he looks to the heart.
So why, of all bones in the body, does God go for the rib? Why not a bone from our head, most men don’t seem to use their brain anyways? Why not a bone from our foot, then we could sit around and be waited on? Why does God go into that place and rip it open to make a woman? He is going for the heart. Every man has had his chest opened up and his heart exposed. Every woman feels deeply connected and a part of this humanity. Every person is born into the world as an image bearers God, made to know and be known by God, made to know and be known by other people.
And so there is one thing worse than having our chest ripped open and our hearts made vulnerable to the world, and really,vulnerable to another. And that is to be alone.
The worst thing is to be alone.
The worst thing is to have our hearts wrapped up behind our ribs, behind our armor, behind our work, behind our sarcasm, behind our busyness, behind our pursuit of pleasure, behind our fun and games. The worst thing is to have our hearts kept behind layers and layers and layers of protection, and to be alone.
It is not good to be alone. AND BECAUSE IT”S NOT GOOD TO BE ALONE we do wonderful, and horrible things.
We do wonderful, caring, loving, selfless, giving amazing things because we were made in the image of a God who says it’s not good to be alone. We write love songs and sing them to the woman who has captured our heart. We make ourselves beautiful and desirable to the one who loves us. We will work and toil to provide for our family. We care for our children, and our children care for us. We will stand alongside of a neighbor in their darkest hour. We stand in solidarity with others, we care for the orphans and the widows, the hungry and the homeless. We will do wonderful things our of this God given need to not be alone, because it’s not good to be alone, and because we will want to do good for others, for our fellow image bearers.
But sometimes we’ll do horrible things because of our loneliness. We do horrible things to try and satisfy our need for relationship, for connection. A man will use his strength over a woman to try and satisfy the lust of his eyes. He will take what was not his to take, and in the process he will even lose another part of himself. A woman will sell herself by the hour, using what she has, to gain what she doesn’t have, destroying a part of herself each time. A couple will create a co-dependent relationship, playing off of each other deepest needs, and deepest fears. A parent will hold the heart of their child captive because they don’t know how to let go. A boy will look at page after page of pornography trying the find the image that will suddenly make him feel alive. A girl will read magazine after magazine trying to find the secret code to break the grip loneliness. A friend will hold his or her friends captive to with their threats.
It is not good to be alone, and yet sometimes we don’t know how to be together. It’s not good to be alone, but we don’t know how to make together good either.
I’ve asked Evan to sing us a song- a song that a friend played for me in college, and when I heard this song, it was one of those moments where you thought the guy must have read your mind. It was one of those songs that has never left me because it came at the time when I needed it most. It made perfect sense of the struggles that I had faced in relationships, and the solution that I knew I had to pursue. I hope I haven’t set the bar too high, but I think for some of you, this is just the song you need to hear today…
Break In The Cup
Break in the Cup, David Wilcox
I try so hard to please you
To be the love that fills you up
I try to pour on sweet affection,
But I think you got a broken cup
Because you can't believe I love you
I try to tell you that there is no doubt,
But as soon as I fill you with all I've got
That little break will let it run right out
I cannot make you happy
I'm learning love and money never do
But I can pour myself out 'til I'm empty
Trying to be just who you'd want me to.
But I cannot make you happy
Even though our love is true
For there's a break in the cup that holds love
Inside of you
Now I begin to understand you
As you explain this fear you feel
It's when you see me fall into that sorrow
it makes you doubt the love is real
'Cause the lonely wind still blows through me
I turn away so you can't see
But now how could I still be so empty
With all this love that you pour on me.
I guess you cannot make me happy
That's a money back guarantee.
But you can pour yourself out 'til you're empty
Trying to be just who I'd want you to be
You cannot make me happy
It's just the law of gravity
And that break in the cup that holds love,
Inside of me.
So if you're tempted to rescue me
Drowning in this quicksand up to my neck
Before you grab my hand to save me
Why don't you ask me if I'm finished yet.
Because you cannot make me happy
Not when I'm empty inside of me
But you can pull yourself right in here with me
My misery'd love to have your company.
We cannot trade empty for empty
We must go to the waterfall
For there's a break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love,
A break in the cup that holds love,
Inside us all. Inside us all
If we are not going to be alone, and make it work, we must first go somewhere else. We must go to the waterfall. The never-ending source of water. Because when you are standing in the downpour of a waterfall, it doesn’t matter so much how broken you are anymore. That water just keeps on coming. It keeps on coming and coming, cleaning us and filling us up.
When I got that, when I got it, that I could spend my whole life looking for others to pour into me, or I could look to God to pour into me, I got it friends. I got it. It got that I had to get right with God first. I got that I had to get into the waterfall before I got into any other relationship. I got that I would always be a broken cup, about half full, looking to other to fill me up, or I could be a broken cup, (I’m still a bit broken folks) in the waterfall, and I could find someone else in that same waterfall. That’s what it looks like to be in a good relationship. That’s what it look like to know and be known and to never be alone.
And while this series will focus on focus on male female relationships the next few weeks, this stuff applies to everyone. This sets the foundation. This is about saying it’s not good to be alone in the world, but if I’m going to have good, giving, serving, caring, compassionate relationships, I have to get into the waterfall. I have to go to the source.
He's Just That Into You, pt. 2
Today I want to talk to you about what is at the very heart of Christianity, the very core of our faith and the foundation of our hope. And I want to go to what is perhaps the best known passage in all of the New Testament. In fact, I want to go to just one verse that is perhaps the best known verse in all the bible. John 3:16. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
If someone gave you 10 seconds to explain Christianity- our faith, our hope, our God- memorize this verse. This is perhaps the most clear cut explanation for everything. It is the answer to all of our greatest questions. Where am I? Why am I? What’s wrong? What’s the solution? We are in God’s world. This exists, and we exist, because of love. Death is the problem. Jesus is the solution.
Jesus tells us this about himself early in his ministry. He hit the scene with a bang, preaching, performing miracles, drawing crowds and stirring up controversy. Almost immediately he rubbed up and against the religious establishment. He taught that God was love, that he desired a relationship with people, and that he, Jesus, was himself the son of God. The people loved him. He hung out with the hookers and street people, shepherds and bums. Most of the religious folks immediately dismissed Jesus, and wanted to quickly dispose of him.
But in the third chapter of John an amazing story unfolds. The story of a man named Nicodemus. He was a Pharisee, one of the religious elite. He was someone who had it together. At least, it appeared that he did. He had been born into the right people group, born to the right parents, but something was not right in his life. But cracks in his well-put together façade were starting to show. Jesus got under his skin and in his mind. He heard the stories and probably heard Jesus for himself. He saw what was happening, and something happened in him. He decided that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t know everything. Maybe, just maybe, he missed something, and that there was something more to be found. He had taken advantage of every opportunity presented to him, but he still hadn’t arrived. He had studies the right books, and mastered the right religion, but it didn’t give him the understanding he desired. He achieved the right status and success in the eyes of the world, but he wondered if it mattered in the eyes of God.
It says he came to Jesus at night. TD Jakes, my personal hero, has reflected in several of his messages, about the night time passages in the bible. During the day we pull ourselves together. We primp and preen and paint our faces. During the day we run the race, we put on the show, we do what we have to do, whatever it is we have to do. During the day we make sure we play the game and look OK. But at night things change. You see, it’s at night, ironically, that we sometimes begin to see ourselves more clearly. It’s at night that our real colors start to show. It’ sat night when you away from everyone and everything else in the world, but then that you realize that you cant hide from yourself, or God. The fears begin to weigh in on us. The questions begin to stir in our mind. We hide in the shadows, but somehow we feel even more exposed and vulnerable. We are afraid of the night not because of what might come at us, but because of what might come from us. We are afraid of the night because when there is no one left to perform for, no one left to impress, not more work to be done or busy-ness to distract us, we have to come to grips with ourselves. And for many of us, there is nothing more frightening than this darkness, that this quiet, than this look deep inside.
I recently had to wrestle with this. Robin took the kids away for a weekend, and I was going to be left home, alone. I know that my wife would love nothing more than to have a moment of quiet in her own home alone, I know some of you would crave that, that sounds like the greatest gift you can imagine right now! And I’m sure it was supposed to be a gift to me.
But that’s not how I received it. I didn’t even think this through at the time, but what I did is truly telling about who I am. I went about my work for the day, and after all the scheduled meetings and things to do, instead of say great, I’m done, I looked for more. I called up someone and managed to get them out for dinner. After dinner I went to the gym and worked out. Afterwards I went for coffee with another friend, and then they finally had to say goodnight. By now it was nearly 11pm and I was on my way home, but I was driving by Mike’s house, and I thought, hey, I bet Mike and his new bride of several weeks would love to have me stop by at this hour, so I pulled un unannounced and came in for a visit. We talked and laughed and shared about our day. Meghan tried so hard to be polite and tried to engage in conversation, but she as so ready for bed. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore and excused herself and retired for the night. So Mike and I were left sitting at the kitchen table.
Now in case you are wondering, I am COMPLETELY aware of social dynamics. I’m not that guy who has no idea his company is no longer welcomed. I’m not that guy who is totally ignorant of human dynamics and relationships. I was well aware that I had worn out my welcome. He, I was never welcomed in the first place, there was not grace to even wear out!
But it was the nighttime. And I was alone. And I didn’t want to go to an empty house. And it’s at night when we are sometimes forced to face ourselves. But in this night Nicodemus decides to do something with his questions, and so he goes to Jesus. He tries to butter him up first, Jesus we know that you are sent from God, blah blah blah! Even in the dark Jesus sees right through this man, and into his heart.
After some conversation, confusion, and explanation, Jesus shares the promise, that God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son (him, Jesus) that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
Jesus is telling him, Nic, it’s not because of your religious practice, it’s because of God’s love. It’s not about who you are, but who God is. It’s not about what you do, it’s about what God has done. It’s about love. It’s about belief. It’s about eternal life.
Toward the end of his life the man, John, who wrote down this story for us, wrote several letters to the early church. In these letters we find this re-occurring theme- God is love. God loves the world. God offers us his love. God’s love will save us. God love will redeem us. God love is our life. He writes this: 1 John 4:7-10.
God is just that into us. He gave his life for us. Sometimes I think this must be hard for people outside the church to accept or believe, that God had to die to save us. That we have messed up, so something had to happen to fix us. Somehow, some one had to right the right and fix the relationship.
But then I just look out in the world, and I see them crying out for this God. I see them telling this story all the time, everywhere. This is the great theme of all literature and film. This is the ultimate longing of the human heart- To have someone love us more than life itself. To have someone so into us, they would give their live for us. To have someone lay down their life so that we might live. To be saved. Trinity giver her life for Neo, and Neo gives his life for the world. William Wallace gives his life for his lost love, and so those who come after him might be free to live and love. A soldier makes the ultimate sacrifice to save his troop. John Lock becomes a proxy to save his friends and get them back to the island. OK, you have to REALLY be a fan of the show LOST to understand that one, but again, it all points the this great theme, the great longing, this great need in human life and in our world- Who will love us enough to give their life and save us? Who will be the atoning sacrifice, the one who will make us right by paying the greatest price?
When I was in middle school I found myself in a life or death situation. The circumstances were beyond my control. I wasn’t running with a gang or jumping off of bridges. Actually, I did do a lot of that in my youth, bridges, quarries, cliffs, I was a bit of a thrill seeker. But I found myself in a life or death situation and it so happened that a man came upon me and in the process of saving me, he lost his life. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know if I should rejoice, or mourn. I was full of joy, and yet consumed with questions. I was shock to the core of my being, and I realized I would never be the same again. I began to pursue a different course in life. I began to find out everything I could about this man. I talked to others who knew him. I put together the pieces of his life- where he lived, how he lived, what he did, what drove him, and what would compel a man to live in such a way that he would put my life before his own, even though I didn’t know him or had any idea who he really was?
As I began to understand his life I found myself falling in love with him. I found myself drawn to others who loved him. I found myself drawn to tell others about this one who gave his life so that I could live.
Of course the man is Jesus Christ. And the situation I found myself in is the situation we all find ourselves in- we are born into a “life and death” world. We all find ourselves in this situation. We are all helpless to save ourselves. We can eat right and exercise, we can put ourselves in a bubble and try to remove all risk and danger. But sooner or later, we’ll get sick, we’ll get shoot, or we’ll just grow old, and we will die. These bodies will fail us. That breath of life, that spark, whatever it is, that makes one organism a living being, will leave us. And we’ll die. This is the human condition.
On Thursday morning my grandmother died. I have now lost all my grandparents. I never knew my grandfather on my father’s side. My paternal grandmother died about 12 years ago. I lost my grandfather, my pap George, whom I am named after, less than 2 years ago. Now my grandmother is gone. This was not a surprise, but of course, it’s still not easy. Even when someone lives a great life and is ready to go, it’s still hurts.
And I have to tell you that once again, this week, I am faced with this stuff all over again. As I celebrate her life, I still struggle with her death, and the questions beg to be asked, and I have to ask myself, do I really believe all this stuff. Not just the good stuff, not just the God is love and has a great plan for your life stuff. Not just the stuff that actually helps us live a better life. But this core stuff- do I believe that we can know God? I do really believe that in knowing God we can be saved? Do I really believe that outside of Jesus we cannot fully know God and be in a relationship with God? Do I believe that in Jesus Christ we have the hope of heaven and eternal life? Do I really believe that outside of God life is hell? Life is torment and pain and brokenness and death? Do I really believe that this is not just the good news, as the church likes to say, but the best news, the greatest news the world has ever heard? The news that changes everything?
And I have to say yes, yes I do. I believe this to my core and I can’t even tell you exactly why. I believe this to the core of my being and it gives me hope in the shadow of death. It gives me joy amidst the pain. It gives me peace in middle of the storm. It gives me reason to go on. It makes sense of my life and our world. It is why I am who I am and why I do what I do. And it goes even deeper. I believe that God so loved the world that he gave his only son that in believing him I will not perish but have eternal life. That believes makes me want to share this love with the world. It makes me the man who stands before you today. It makes me the husband I am to my wife, the father I am to my children. It makes me want to be a better neighbor, and a better friend. It makes me want to be a good son, and a good grandson. It makes me want to make a difference in this world.
And while I grieve and mourn and miss my gram terribly, I have hope. I have hope that she lives today in glory with God. I have hope today that she is with her savior in heaven. She has been reunited with family, with friends, with saints from ages past. I have hope that she is without aches or pain or failing health. I have hope and faith in a God who I says, I am with you, I love you, I delight in you, I will save you, I will sing a song over you. I am that into you. I am so into you I have sent my son and if you believe in him, if you believe he laid down his life for you, you will have life in him, and in me, now and forever.
You know that old expression, be careful what you wish for? Maybe God should have been asking himself that. God wanted us to be his children. God wanted us to be in a relationship with him. But in order to restore that relationship, he would have to pay the ultimate price. He would give his son, and give his life.
But this is how we know God. This is how we are made right with God. This is how the real problem of sin and death is dealt with by God. He doesn’t go around it, he doesn’t gloss it over, he doesn’t sweep it under the carpet. He deals with it face on. Death is horrible. Death is painful. Death is awful. I miss my gram and I hate that she had to die. I hate that I am only a breath away from death. And God hates our sin and death to. SO he goes through it. That’s the craziest thing about God loves- he knew full well that he would have to go through death to bring us life. He came, knowing he would die.
And so the real question that I want to ask you today isn’t is god just that into you? I know God is that into you. I know God is so into you that he gave his life for you. What I want to ask you today is how into God are you? Are you just that into God that you will believe in him, that you will give your life to him, that you will make him your savior, and your Lord, today? Are you willing to be that into God?
If someone gave you 10 seconds to explain Christianity- our faith, our hope, our God- memorize this verse. This is perhaps the most clear cut explanation for everything. It is the answer to all of our greatest questions. Where am I? Why am I? What’s wrong? What’s the solution? We are in God’s world. This exists, and we exist, because of love. Death is the problem. Jesus is the solution.
Jesus tells us this about himself early in his ministry. He hit the scene with a bang, preaching, performing miracles, drawing crowds and stirring up controversy. Almost immediately he rubbed up and against the religious establishment. He taught that God was love, that he desired a relationship with people, and that he, Jesus, was himself the son of God. The people loved him. He hung out with the hookers and street people, shepherds and bums. Most of the religious folks immediately dismissed Jesus, and wanted to quickly dispose of him.
But in the third chapter of John an amazing story unfolds. The story of a man named Nicodemus. He was a Pharisee, one of the religious elite. He was someone who had it together. At least, it appeared that he did. He had been born into the right people group, born to the right parents, but something was not right in his life. But cracks in his well-put together façade were starting to show. Jesus got under his skin and in his mind. He heard the stories and probably heard Jesus for himself. He saw what was happening, and something happened in him. He decided that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t know everything. Maybe, just maybe, he missed something, and that there was something more to be found. He had taken advantage of every opportunity presented to him, but he still hadn’t arrived. He had studies the right books, and mastered the right religion, but it didn’t give him the understanding he desired. He achieved the right status and success in the eyes of the world, but he wondered if it mattered in the eyes of God.
It says he came to Jesus at night. TD Jakes, my personal hero, has reflected in several of his messages, about the night time passages in the bible. During the day we pull ourselves together. We primp and preen and paint our faces. During the day we run the race, we put on the show, we do what we have to do, whatever it is we have to do. During the day we make sure we play the game and look OK. But at night things change. You see, it’s at night, ironically, that we sometimes begin to see ourselves more clearly. It’s at night that our real colors start to show. It’ sat night when you away from everyone and everything else in the world, but then that you realize that you cant hide from yourself, or God. The fears begin to weigh in on us. The questions begin to stir in our mind. We hide in the shadows, but somehow we feel even more exposed and vulnerable. We are afraid of the night not because of what might come at us, but because of what might come from us. We are afraid of the night because when there is no one left to perform for, no one left to impress, not more work to be done or busy-ness to distract us, we have to come to grips with ourselves. And for many of us, there is nothing more frightening than this darkness, that this quiet, than this look deep inside.
I recently had to wrestle with this. Robin took the kids away for a weekend, and I was going to be left home, alone. I know that my wife would love nothing more than to have a moment of quiet in her own home alone, I know some of you would crave that, that sounds like the greatest gift you can imagine right now! And I’m sure it was supposed to be a gift to me.
But that’s not how I received it. I didn’t even think this through at the time, but what I did is truly telling about who I am. I went about my work for the day, and after all the scheduled meetings and things to do, instead of say great, I’m done, I looked for more. I called up someone and managed to get them out for dinner. After dinner I went to the gym and worked out. Afterwards I went for coffee with another friend, and then they finally had to say goodnight. By now it was nearly 11pm and I was on my way home, but I was driving by Mike’s house, and I thought, hey, I bet Mike and his new bride of several weeks would love to have me stop by at this hour, so I pulled un unannounced and came in for a visit. We talked and laughed and shared about our day. Meghan tried so hard to be polite and tried to engage in conversation, but she as so ready for bed. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore and excused herself and retired for the night. So Mike and I were left sitting at the kitchen table.
Now in case you are wondering, I am COMPLETELY aware of social dynamics. I’m not that guy who has no idea his company is no longer welcomed. I’m not that guy who is totally ignorant of human dynamics and relationships. I was well aware that I had worn out my welcome. He, I was never welcomed in the first place, there was not grace to even wear out!
But it was the nighttime. And I was alone. And I didn’t want to go to an empty house. And it’s at night when we are sometimes forced to face ourselves. But in this night Nicodemus decides to do something with his questions, and so he goes to Jesus. He tries to butter him up first, Jesus we know that you are sent from God, blah blah blah! Even in the dark Jesus sees right through this man, and into his heart.
After some conversation, confusion, and explanation, Jesus shares the promise, that God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son (him, Jesus) that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
Jesus is telling him, Nic, it’s not because of your religious practice, it’s because of God’s love. It’s not about who you are, but who God is. It’s not about what you do, it’s about what God has done. It’s about love. It’s about belief. It’s about eternal life.
Toward the end of his life the man, John, who wrote down this story for us, wrote several letters to the early church. In these letters we find this re-occurring theme- God is love. God loves the world. God offers us his love. God’s love will save us. God love will redeem us. God love is our life. He writes this: 1 John 4:7-10.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: he sent his one and only son in the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
God is just that into us. He gave his life for us. Sometimes I think this must be hard for people outside the church to accept or believe, that God had to die to save us. That we have messed up, so something had to happen to fix us. Somehow, some one had to right the right and fix the relationship.
But then I just look out in the world, and I see them crying out for this God. I see them telling this story all the time, everywhere. This is the great theme of all literature and film. This is the ultimate longing of the human heart- To have someone love us more than life itself. To have someone so into us, they would give their live for us. To have someone lay down their life so that we might live. To be saved. Trinity giver her life for Neo, and Neo gives his life for the world. William Wallace gives his life for his lost love, and so those who come after him might be free to live and love. A soldier makes the ultimate sacrifice to save his troop. John Lock becomes a proxy to save his friends and get them back to the island. OK, you have to REALLY be a fan of the show LOST to understand that one, but again, it all points the this great theme, the great longing, this great need in human life and in our world- Who will love us enough to give their life and save us? Who will be the atoning sacrifice, the one who will make us right by paying the greatest price?
When I was in middle school I found myself in a life or death situation. The circumstances were beyond my control. I wasn’t running with a gang or jumping off of bridges. Actually, I did do a lot of that in my youth, bridges, quarries, cliffs, I was a bit of a thrill seeker. But I found myself in a life or death situation and it so happened that a man came upon me and in the process of saving me, he lost his life. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know if I should rejoice, or mourn. I was full of joy, and yet consumed with questions. I was shock to the core of my being, and I realized I would never be the same again. I began to pursue a different course in life. I began to find out everything I could about this man. I talked to others who knew him. I put together the pieces of his life- where he lived, how he lived, what he did, what drove him, and what would compel a man to live in such a way that he would put my life before his own, even though I didn’t know him or had any idea who he really was?
As I began to understand his life I found myself falling in love with him. I found myself drawn to others who loved him. I found myself drawn to tell others about this one who gave his life so that I could live.
Of course the man is Jesus Christ. And the situation I found myself in is the situation we all find ourselves in- we are born into a “life and death” world. We all find ourselves in this situation. We are all helpless to save ourselves. We can eat right and exercise, we can put ourselves in a bubble and try to remove all risk and danger. But sooner or later, we’ll get sick, we’ll get shoot, or we’ll just grow old, and we will die. These bodies will fail us. That breath of life, that spark, whatever it is, that makes one organism a living being, will leave us. And we’ll die. This is the human condition.
On Thursday morning my grandmother died. I have now lost all my grandparents. I never knew my grandfather on my father’s side. My paternal grandmother died about 12 years ago. I lost my grandfather, my pap George, whom I am named after, less than 2 years ago. Now my grandmother is gone. This was not a surprise, but of course, it’s still not easy. Even when someone lives a great life and is ready to go, it’s still hurts.
And I have to tell you that once again, this week, I am faced with this stuff all over again. As I celebrate her life, I still struggle with her death, and the questions beg to be asked, and I have to ask myself, do I really believe all this stuff. Not just the good stuff, not just the God is love and has a great plan for your life stuff. Not just the stuff that actually helps us live a better life. But this core stuff- do I believe that we can know God? I do really believe that in knowing God we can be saved? Do I really believe that outside of Jesus we cannot fully know God and be in a relationship with God? Do I believe that in Jesus Christ we have the hope of heaven and eternal life? Do I really believe that outside of God life is hell? Life is torment and pain and brokenness and death? Do I really believe that this is not just the good news, as the church likes to say, but the best news, the greatest news the world has ever heard? The news that changes everything?
And I have to say yes, yes I do. I believe this to my core and I can’t even tell you exactly why. I believe this to the core of my being and it gives me hope in the shadow of death. It gives me joy amidst the pain. It gives me peace in middle of the storm. It gives me reason to go on. It makes sense of my life and our world. It is why I am who I am and why I do what I do. And it goes even deeper. I believe that God so loved the world that he gave his only son that in believing him I will not perish but have eternal life. That believes makes me want to share this love with the world. It makes me the man who stands before you today. It makes me the husband I am to my wife, the father I am to my children. It makes me want to be a better neighbor, and a better friend. It makes me want to be a good son, and a good grandson. It makes me want to make a difference in this world.
And while I grieve and mourn and miss my gram terribly, I have hope. I have hope that she lives today in glory with God. I have hope today that she is with her savior in heaven. She has been reunited with family, with friends, with saints from ages past. I have hope that she is without aches or pain or failing health. I have hope and faith in a God who I says, I am with you, I love you, I delight in you, I will save you, I will sing a song over you. I am that into you. I am so into you I have sent my son and if you believe in him, if you believe he laid down his life for you, you will have life in him, and in me, now and forever.
You know that old expression, be careful what you wish for? Maybe God should have been asking himself that. God wanted us to be his children. God wanted us to be in a relationship with him. But in order to restore that relationship, he would have to pay the ultimate price. He would give his son, and give his life.
But this is how we know God. This is how we are made right with God. This is how the real problem of sin and death is dealt with by God. He doesn’t go around it, he doesn’t gloss it over, he doesn’t sweep it under the carpet. He deals with it face on. Death is horrible. Death is painful. Death is awful. I miss my gram and I hate that she had to die. I hate that I am only a breath away from death. And God hates our sin and death to. SO he goes through it. That’s the craziest thing about God loves- he knew full well that he would have to go through death to bring us life. He came, knowing he would die.
And so the real question that I want to ask you today isn’t is god just that into you? I know God is that into you. I know God is so into you that he gave his life for you. What I want to ask you today is how into God are you? Are you just that into God that you will believe in him, that you will give your life to him, that you will make him your savior, and your Lord, today? Are you willing to be that into God?
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